


Perfect Strangers

by TheMightySwan



Category: Catch my Soul
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gay For You, Idiots in Love, Lesbian Character, Light Angst, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-01-23 15:04:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18552190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMightySwan/pseuds/TheMightySwan
Summary: The 25-year old Julie loses her memory in a car crash. Luckily, her best friend from High School Ramona was listed in her emergency contacts and can take her in, but on the road to recovery, will they remember (no pun intended) that they are just best friends or will the lines blur?





	1. Endings and Beginnings

I barely heard the phone over the loud music of the club. Luckily, I’ve turned on vibration earlier this evening. Cursing silently, I fished the large black phone out of the pocket of my jeans, threw an apologetic look to the girl I was dancing with who sported a disappointed pout. Clearly, she had expected this to go further than just a little dancing and grinding in the club. But one, I wasn’t really in the mood and two, the prospect of going home with her didn’t really excite me. In fact, none of my latest one-night stands had really excited me. It seemed like I was searching for something, and I was seemingly looking at the wrong place. But I could think about that later.  
I hurried towards a calmer section of the club to answer the call. I threw a look at the caller ID and rolled my eyes: I hated picking up the phone when it was an unknown number. A little uneasy, I declined the call. A few minutes afterwards the same number called again. This better be important, I thought as I reluctantly pressed the answer button and held the phone to my ear.  
“Who the hell is calling me at 3 a.m.? Some people are sleeping… or partying, whatever. What do you want?” I growled into the phone.

 

The doors nearly broke out of their hinges when I stormed into the hospital.  
„Miss, what can I do...“ the woman in the lobby asked me, but couldn‘t finish as I interrupted her with my panic-stricken and sharp voice.  
„Where is she?“  
„Miss, please calm down, and tell me...“  
„Julie Lucífer, I got a phone call telling me she was here. They said it was a car accident. What happened?“  
The secretary shot me a glare. I now recognized her voice as the one who had called me earlier that night.  
„I‘m sorry, Miss, you‘re going to have to talk to the doctor. Please go sit down in the waiting room.“  
„Really? You just expect me to sit around?“ I said disbelievingly.  
She gave me another dirty look and pointedly looked to the waiting area. She might still be pissed about our not so polite conversation on the phone. I sighed and relented. I wouldn‘t get any information out of her. I went over to the waiting area but was still too shaken up to sit down or even stay calm for a minute.  
Well, this tends to happen if your night-out gets interrupted by the hospital calling about your friend being brought into the emergency room. I buried both my hands in my red locks. Why isn‘t anyone coming here to explain me what the fuck is going on?  
Finally, a white-clad doctor came out of the double-doors.  
„Miss Julie Lucífer?“  
I gulped and nodded my head. The doctor gave me a friendly, professional smile.  
„Would you please follow me, Miss...?“  
„Limewood.“  
He gestured towards the hall and then we both stood there, because now that I had the chance to ask, I couldn‘t bring myself to do it. The doctor finally broke the silence.  
„My name is Doctor Hofstadter and I was treating Miss Lucífer. Miss Limewood, in which connection are you to Miss Lucífer?“  
‚It‘s complicated’ wasn‘t the right answer in this case, I was sure.  
„I‘m her friend. Know her since high school.“  
The doctor hummed and scribbled something on his board.  
„You are certainly wondering why you were called, but you were listed in Miss Lucífer emergency contacts as her partner, and as the rest of her contacts were unattainable, we were relieved to be able to reach at least you.“  
I looked at him quizzically.  
„What‘s with all the other members of her family? She certainly had them listed as emergency contacts.“  
The doctor‘s eyes sunk, their expression sorrowful.  
„Well of course they were listed there. Sadly, the other members of her family weren‘t quite as fortunate as Miss Lucífer.“  
My breath rattled in my chest.  
„Are you implying...?“  
„Yes, Miss Lucífer is officially the only survivor of that car accident.“  
My vision blurred and my hand shot out to my chest, feeling my heart drumming.  
„She’s... She‘s all alone then...“ I said when I regained my ability to speak. The doctor nodded gravely.  
„You are in no way obligated to any care of Miss Lucífer just because you were listed as her emergency contact...“  
„I‘ll do it.“  
Doctor Hofstadter gave me a smile full of empathy.  
„Well then, thank you Miss Limewood. You can go and see her now. She just hasn‘t woken up yet.“  
„What is the damage?“  
„Scrape wounds, cuts from the glass splitters, burns and some big cranial damage. She got lucky though - no broken arms or legs.“  
Classic Julie - she had always bragged about being unbreakable. This time luckily, her belief turned out to be true.  
„If you‘re ready to see her, I can bring you to her room.“  
„Yes, I‘m ready.“

Entering the room my friend was currently lying injured and unconscious in was easier than I imagined. I deemed myself strong and not easily shook, so with a deep breath, I pushed the door open as soon as Doctor Hofstadter started to walk away.  
Entering was easy. But seeing her wasn‘t.  
It seemed like a life-time ago, even if it had been only a week, that I had seen Julie when we grabbed lunch together. She had dropped out early from one of her lectures at the university, just so we could spend more time together, as I had told her that I needed to be somewhere around 2 p.m. I had pulled up with my motorbike at the train station and there she was - my friend. Even just thinking it, the term didn‘t seem quite right. Too loose, too simple. Julie was so much more than that.  
I saw that huge grin spread over her face, like every time when she saw me. When she was smiling like that, her one dimple was showing. I had known her when she still had braces, and even then, her smile was cute. But now it was just drop-dead gorgeous. She was average-sized, blonde and had a lean, muscular body. Combine it with that smile and her piercing grey eyes, she really was a sight to see. But I guess that despite all her admirable assets, it weren‘t her looks that made me fall in love with her.  
Her unwavering loyalty was one of the things. Through everything, she had stuck by me and not once let me down when I needed her. I mean, we have fought over small unimportant things and more important things, but she had promised me that I could always count on her, whatever the circumstances.  
Next came her sometimes brutal honesty, followed closely by her intelligence. But what really sealed the deal was her tender and fragile heart. She had been hurt by many people in the past, but still she had opened up to my friendship, baring herself in front of me. And when she sometimes came around as arrogant or cold (because she loved her sarcasm), underneath it all was a beautiful soul.  
„What are you looking at? Do I have something on my face?“ While I had been deep in thoughts, Julie had come closer and was now frantically rubbing at the corner of her mouth.  
„No, you don‘t have anything on your face,“ I gave her a smile, „I‘m just happy to see you.“  
Her smile deepened and her eyes glowed with a calming warmth. While the expression of her face never was fully open, she had told me multiple times that the peace she had while being near me was rare for her. And knowing this, it was enough for me.  
„I missed you too. Now are we ready to go? I‘m starving.“  
How strange, that the lively woman from that afternoon was now lying seemingly lifeless in front of me.  
My heart squeezed painfully, and I curled my hands into fists, trying to fight the tears.  
Machines and cables were everywhere, it was practically impossible to spot a lot of Julie except a part of her blonde hair and the part of her face that wasn‘t covered in bandages. I dragged a chair from the corner of the room next to the bed, plummeting into it.  
The room was silent for a few minutes, except for the rhythmical peep of the heart monitor that showed me that Julie was still alive. Carefully, I reached out under the blanket to search for Julie‘s hand. My fingers grasped something warm, so I quickly wrapped my hand around it and held it carefully.  
„Oh, Julie.“ My fingers brushed over the knuckles of her hand, which was also full of tubes leading into her blood vessels.  
„I‘m so glad you‘re okay. Well as okay as you can be, that is, lying in a hospital bed.“ I chuckled a bit over my humourless joke, but it died out quickly. I sighed and looked to her closed eyes.  
„I‘m so sorry about your family. This wasn‘t supposed to happen, it isn‘t fair. But I won‘t let you be alone. You stuck with me through every little drama in my life, so now I‘m returning the favour. There‘s no getting rid of me, even if you will most likely insist that you are fine on your own. But I know you so well, that I‘ll be able to tell immediately that you are just putting on a brave face for everyone. You won’t get the chance to close off. Not on my watch.“  
I pressed a kiss to her hand, then rested my forehead on her warm skin.  
„Please just wake up...“  
I don‘t know how much time passed while I just sat there, but at some point I heard a weak cough coming from the head of the bed. My head shot up to see Julie‘s eyelids flutter open slowly, before slowly focusing on me. Her face was pale and tendrils of blonde hair were clinging slick with sweat to her neck. Her lips were partly open, her grey eyes were boring into mine.  
She studied me silently for a few moments, before one corner of her mouth curled up in a sexy smirk.  
„Wow, this is like waking up in heaven. If this is what‘s awaiting me once I‘m dead, I must have been one hell of a good person in my life.“  
I sat there shell-shocked while Julie still grinned at me with all she had.  
“So, did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?” Her eyes were seductively looking up and down my figure.  
„You... don‘t... you don‘t know me?“ I asked her slowly, praying that she was just pulling my leg and would roll her eyes and tell me that of course she knew me. This just couldn’t be true.  
Julie‘s smile turned to a frown and my stomach dropped at her next words.  
„I don‘t think I would ever forget someone like you.“

My breath hitched in shock.  
„You‘re joking right?“  
Julie sighed and theatrically looked away.  
„Geez, that pick-up line really is lame. I should have known.“ Then she turned her eyes once more towards me.  
„Are you alright? You look a little pale. There‘s a lot of free space next to me on this bed if you need to lie down.“ She patted the mattress next to her with a coy smile.  
My eyes were fixed on her with a shocked look. This wasn‘t my friend. She was... flirty and giving me those looks... I shook my head. My stomach was fluttering and my heart did those weird little skips.  
„Yeah, no, sorry, I‘ve gotta go and talk to the doctor.“ I stood up on wobbly legs.  
„Aw, do you have to go? I don‘t like it being aaaaaall alone in such a big hospital room,“ she pouted.  
„Yeah, I‘ve got to, but not for long, I‘ll...“ I stumbled over my words, „I‘ll come back.“  
Julie gave me another stunning smile.  
„I‘m counting on it.“  
I quickly made my way out the door, shutting the door with a little too much force behind me.  
„Hofstadter!“ I yelled and the doctor looked out of a half-open door at the end of the corridor.  
„Miss Limewood, what is it?“ He asked while I stalked up and then fervently pushed him into the wall.  
„Why doesn‘t she remember me? Why is there a... a... flirty jock sitting there instead of my best friend?“ I nearly screamed at the doctor.  
„Miss Limewood, please do calm down, take a deep breath. I take it from your statement that Miss Lucífer has woken up?“  
„Oh, and how she did. She already used the Fall-From-Heaven pick-up line on me,“ I fumed, blushing furiously.  
The doctor couldn‘t hide a small laugh.  
„I take it then you two weren‘t involved before...“  
„Gods, no! I told you she‘s just my friend!“ I scowled.  
The doctor‘s face sobered and he turned into business-mode.  
„I‘m gonna go check-up on her then. Please, Miss Limewood, grab some coffee, calm your nerves and then we will talk about Miss Lucífer’s treatments and care, if you still are willing to take her in, that is.“  
„Yes, I mean, I am,“ I stuttered, before walking away as the doctor dismissed me by heading off to Julie‘s room.  
„Coffee,“ I mumbled. Usually I wasn‘t a big fan of the beverage, but my whole world seemed upside down, so I guessed it didn‘t really matter. After finding a vending machine and taking a sip of the absolutely horrible coffee, I forced myself to wait in the cafeteria for solid 30 minutes, before I took the still untouched and now cold coffee with me and headed back to Julie‘s room.  
I knocked, got a ‘come on in’ in response and entered the room. I was met with Julie‘s bare back, smooth and nicely muscled and very distracting. Apparently, Julie was just dressing, because she turned around while still pulling the shirt over her flat stomach plastered with gauze and bandages.  
„Oh, it‘s you,“ she said, her voice a little passive instead of flirty like before. She gave me a tiny smile, which was much more ‚Julie‘ than everything she had done since she woke up.  
„Sorry, I‘ll come back after you‘ve dressed,“ I said while I turned back to the door.  
„No, wait!“ I heard Julie say promptly and quickly spun around. I saw her eyes twitch from side to side and her hands clasped and unclasped nervously.  
„Look, I just wanted to apologize for hitting on you. That was inconsiderate and thoughtless.“ She gave me a lopsided grin.  
„Doctor Hofstadter told me what happened, and I‘m really grateful that you would offer yourself up for the job, but you really don‘t have to...“  
I interrupted her with a raised hand. Julie immediately shut up and looked at me with big round eyes. I sighed.  
„It‘s okay. It‘s weird for both of us. And yes, I have to take you in. I owe it to you.“  
Julie bit her lip in thought.  
„Well, whatever past-me did to you, it must have been something great for you to accept to help me.“  
I gave a her a sad little smile.  
„She was my best friend.“  
Her brows furrowed.  
„It‘s really weird hearing you talk about me in the past tense. I‘m still here. Even when I‘m not who I was or what you want me to be.“ With these words, her whole face slacked and became expressionless.  
„J?“ I asked cautiously.  
A little smile that didn‘t reach her eyes graced her face.  
„Is that what you used to call me? J?“  
„Uhm... no, actually. It just came out. I thought it suited you.“  
„I like it.“ Her lips curved another inch upwards.  
„What are you thinking about?“  
Julie ruffled her hair in a frustrated manner.  
„It‘s hard. I‘ve heard from Doctor Hofstadter what happened to me, to my family. Yet, I can‘t bring myself to feel anything. It‘s difficult to feel sorrow for people you have never met. And that‘s my family! I can‘t just forget my family. That‘s not right, they deserve to be remembered.“ She paused.  
„And then there‘s you. Clearly you and I are friends, and you are willing to take me in and I really screwed it up when I woke up. I‘m so sorry, I didn‘t mean to offend you in any way...“ She drifted off while staring straight ahead to the wall.  
„Ramona,“ I said. Julie looked at me questioningly, her head cocked to the side.  
„It‘s my name. Ramona.“  
She gave me a quiet and fragile smile.  
„Nice to meet you, Ramona.“


	2. Brandnew - but still somehow old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little short, but I'll make up for it in the third one.

After a quick discussion with Doctor Hofstadter, we were ready to go. Julie looked a little dumbfounded.  
„Ramona, I don‘t know where I live or how to get there, and where is all my stuff and...“ I quickly shut her up with a finger over her mouth. The move was purely instinctual, I told myself, and not because I desperately wanted to touch these nice lips.  
„We‘re going to figure all of it out. You‘re coming home with me until then. Is that okay?“  
Julie nodded and I took my fingers from her lips, grabbing her hand instead.  
„I‘ve called us a cab.“  
And like conjured, the bright yellow vehicle came racing around the corner. It stopped in front of us and I pulled Julie with me on the back seat. I gave the driver my address and he sped up. I looked pensively out of the window, my hand still firmly clasped in J‘s, a fact about which I didn‘t want to think too much. But because of that I noticed the hold on my hand suddenly tightening and my eyes quickly shot to Julie. Her forehead was shining with sweat, her breath was heaving judging by the harsh movements of her chest and one of her legs was jumping up and down erratically. She blinked and her eyes hauntedly looked around completely unfocused. Shit.  
„Slow down a little,“ I yelled to the driver, who looked at me sourly but obliged. I moved over to sit next to Julie and gently put my hand on her cheek. Despite my efforts to be careful, Julie jumped violently.  
„Hey, hey, J… J. It‘s okay. Look at me,“ I soothed with a low voice, clutching her hand in mine to let her know I was there. The haunted eyes snapped to mine, but the rest of her body was out of control. Shivers were running down her toned arms, making goosebumps erupt all over her skin.  
„Shh, it‘s okay, it‘s okay. I‘m here. Nothing‘s going to happen.“ The hand I had placed on her cheek was deliberately tracing her cheekbone.  
„Scared.“ If I hadn‘t know that she wasn‘t herself right now, I would‘ve never thought that the usually tough and bad-ass Julie was capable of producing such a sound. Voice small and eyes wide, she looked at me like her life was depending on it.  
„Please…“ she whispered, then let out a whine when the driver came to an abrupt halt. I threw a dirty look towards the driver who announced that we’re here and quickly paid him. Then I got out and walked around the car. When I opened the door, Julie‘s head snapped up to look at me and I forced my face to appear calm and collected. I held out my hand.  
„C‘mon...“ I said when she first hesitated, but then firmly latched on my hand.  
„I have places to be!“ the driver yelled suddenly. I slammed the door of the taxi shut.  
„Asshole,“ I said under my breath as he drove away quickly. I heard Julie snicker quietly in response and was relieved that she seemed to be a lot better now that she was out of the car.  
„I‘m so sorry,“ I apologized, „I should have asked you if you were okay with taking the car.“ Julie smiled and shook her head.  
„You couldn‘t have known. Neither did I. I can‘t possibly know what‘s going to set me off and stuff... I wish I could remember.“ Her face scrunched up and without hesitation I put my hand on the side of her face again. She was a little pale still and there was a thin layer of sweat on her forehead. My heart went out for her and I swore to myself to never see her this vulnerable and broken ever again.  
She didn‘t look at me at first when I said: „We‘re in this together okay? You can always tell me when something‘s wrong.“ She nodded unconvincingly. My grip got firmer.  
„Promise me.“  
Julie smiled at me.  
„Are you always this stubborn?“  
I just raised my eyebrows. Julie held up her hands in defeat.  
„There was literally no way for me to know that. But okay, I got the message.“  
And after a few seconds she added: „I promise.“

„That‘s me“ I said when we reached the apartment on 2nd floor. I was really grateful that Julie hadn‘t broken any limbs, because the elevator was out of order.  
Either way, Julie was breathing a little heavily and sweat was beginning to form on her brow again. I quickly fished the keys from the pocket of my jacket and unlocked the door. I motioned for Julie to step in, and I carefully scanned her face for any signs of recognition.  
„It‘s really pretty,“ Julie said having seen my expression.  
I gave her a small smile and waved her forwards.  
„Do you live here alone?“  
I shook my head.  
„No. My friend Tamira lives here too.“  
„And she won‘t mind me being here?“  
I shook my head quickly, when in fact, I hadn‘t even informed her about our temporary roommate. She was gone for some time now anyway because of her internship.  
„No, she won’t mind at all. She took quite a liking to you when you once helped her play a massive prank on me.“  
Julie‘s expression twisted into something between laughter, confusion and desperation.  
„Did I do that a lot?“ she asked with a tiny, but still curious voice. I couldn‘t hold in the laughter.  
„The whole time! I was never safe from you and your stupid pranks! But that big one you planned quite meticulously lasted for over a half year.“  
I heard Julie‘s quiet laugh.  
„Well, I‘m sorry. Right now, you‘re safe from them.“  
She smirked. I was glad she was loosening up a little.  
„Come along, I‘ll show you where you can sleep. Maybe I‘ll even find some of your clothes here at my place. You were always quite messy.“  
I opened the door to the guest room in our apartment. Julie had actually never slept there, because she always insisted that she could take the couch. Or on some occasions, we fell asleep on my bed, after having talked for hours.  
„You know, I can take the couch.“  
I closed my eyes and smiled sadly, not looking at her. She was after all still the Julie I know, buried somewhere deep inside.  
„Nonsense. You‘re sleeping here and I won‘t discuss it further.“ I turned around and walked out of the room again.  
„Make yourself at home. I‘ll search for some of your clothes.“  
And I really found some. T-shirts, tank tops and even her underwear were in my laundry basket. I shook my head at that and went to my room to grab a pair of my sweatpants. When I returned to the guest room, I saw Julie standing in front of the mirror, peeling at one of the bandages on her face.  
„Don‘t!“ I said harshly and walked over to swat her hand away. Julie pouted.  
„It‘s yucky.“  
Biting back a grin, I said: „I‘m going to take a look at them later, okay?“  
Julie nodded sullenly, then looked at the clothes I pressed into her hands.  
„Thanks.“  
I nodded and walked towards the door, „I‘ll be in the kitchen. It‘s just straight ahead from your room.“  
I shut the door, leaning against it for a moment. It was confusing: She was here and it felt so right, but then it wasn‘t really her and she stood out.  
Come on, Limewood! You can handle this. The fastest way to get Julie to relax was food. You know what to do.  
I took off to the kitchen and pulled out some ingredients to make a vegetable soup with noodles.  
I heard Julie‘s tentative steps coming closer.  
„I don‘t bite, nor does the food!“ I called out towards the hallway. Julie walked around the corner with a shy smile.  
„I know you don‘t. But I still feel awkward just wandering around here.“  
I busied myself with lifting the top of the pot and stirring the soup.  
„Is noodle soup okay with you?“  
„Noodle soup? Yeah of course!“ She sounded excited and when I looked over to her, she was smiling at me, then promptly started to fidget with her fingers.  
„Can I help you with something?“ she asked politely. I smiled at her.  
„You can set the table. The bowls are in the cupboard over there.“ After that, I pointed towards the cutlery and once the soup was done, I told her to go and sit down instead of fluttering around in my kitchen.  
We indulged in the soup and I tried to scan Julie for injuries unsuspiciously.  
„If you stare at me even harder, you‘re going to burn a hole through me,“ Julie said not looking up from her bowl.  
I blushed at being caught staring.  
„Sorry. You‘re just acting pretty normal considering what you experienced.“  
Julie laughed humourlessly.  
„It‘s rather easy to act normal if you don‘t remember a thing that happened.“  
I opened my mouth to apologize, but Julie held up her hand.  
„Don‘t say you’re sorry. It‘s not your fault.“  
My mouth closed again. I bit my lip.  
„Still, I can offer you empathy.“  
„You‘re doing more than enough.“ Julie set down her spoon and added with a sideways grin, „and thanks. That was really great. Is everything you cook this good?“  
A smirk stole onto my face. Julie was trying to lift my mood, so I decided to go with it.  
„Some might say it is average...“ I drawled.  
Julie laughed.  
„Bullshit. It‘s amazing and you know it.“  
We laughed together.  
„It‘s time to check your wounds“ I said, carrying both bowls to the dishwasher. Julie pulled a face.  
„Fine...“ she then relented and stalked off to her room. I looked after her.  
„Don‘t forget to shower and change! You‘re not going to bed in sweats and a t-shirt.“  
„Yes, Mom.“  
I rolled my eyes.  
„I‘ll put out some pyjamas for you.“  
I heard a muffled ‚thanks’ and then the door to the bathroom closed.  
I hummed to myself as I placed the bowls into the dishwasher, rinsed the pot and then, as promised, went to get some sleepwear for Julie.  
I found some black-white checkered long-sleeved pyjamas with a matching button-up top and bottom. I chuckled to myself, knowing how the old Julie would have pretty surely burned them on sight. If she remembers and finds out I dressed her up in those, she‘ll probably be scarred for life.  
If she remembers.  
What if she never remembers? What if the old Julie is indeed gone and replaced with this stranger I know nothing about?  
I heard a faint knock on my open door. I turned around to look at Julie’s worried gaze. I realized that I had been standing there, facing the window and clutching the pyjamas to my chest for a long time.  
„Sorry. I got lost in thoughts. Here you go.“ I handed her the pyjamas.  
Julie looked down on them and scrunched up her nose.  
„Really? You‘re not doing this to get back at me for the pranks?“ She looked at me sceptically.  
I laughed, fighting the tears.  
„How did you guess?“  
Julie turned around and walked out of my room, and I realized that she had only been clad in a deep blue towel, showing off her muscular shoulders and lean legs. I gulped.  
Julie‘s voice made me tear my eyes from her body.  
„Somehow, I always know when it comes to you, Ramona.“  
The way she said my name was doing funny things with my stomach.  
„Wounds. Inspection. Living Room, now,“ I said trying to keep my posture.  
„I‘ll be right there.“

„These are hideous. Why do you have such a thing?“  
I looked up and burst out laughing. Julie had really put on the pyjamas and she was looking absolutely ridiculous.  
„I‘m sorry,“ I wheezed, gasping for air. Julie rolled her eyes, but her face was amused.  
„Don‘t apologize... at least I won‘t be cold,“ she said in a forced optimistic tone. I laughed again and then patted the seat next to me on the couch. Julie came over slowly and winced when she sat down.  
„You okay?“  
Julie flinched before saying: „Painkillers are wearing off.“  
„Let‘s get over with it then. Where do you want me to start?“  
„The arms first, please.“  
I nodded and quickly went to work. I removed the old gauze, squinted some ointment on the burns, rubbed some salve on the cuts, then rewrapped them with clean bandages. Seeing the state of her body, I was really grateful that she got away with only minor injuries. Except for her memory loss, of course.  
After I finished with her limbs, Julie pointed to her face. There the skin was a little more sensitive and I heard Julie hiss and tense multiple times. While I was carefully cleaning a cut that went dangerously close to her eye, Julie spoke up.  
„You‘re really good at this.“  
I smiled at her absent-mindedly, dabbing with the cotton ball on another cut.  
„You can‘t know that, but I did multiple first-aid courses. You always mocked me that I don‘t have to take several, but as you can see, it came in handy.“  
„It suits you. Helping people. Taking care of them.“  
I glanced up to Julie‘s eyes, who were looking at me intensively. I sucked in air and quickly went to work on another scrape on her jaw.  
„Yeah, well. I try.“ I finished cleaning up her face and leaned back, „anywhere else?”  
„I can do the other one‘s myself.“ Julie snapped the bottle of ointment from my hand.  
„Absolutely not! Hey! That‘s my job!“ I shouted while I tried to get back the bottle.  
Julie looked down as if embarrassed.  
„I can do these on my own. I’m not gonna get naked in front of you.“  
„Hell no!“  
Julie looked at me. The defiant fire burning in her eyes was well-known to me, and while it infuriated me often, in some kind it was oddly comforting now.  
„Julie. What did we agree on?“  
Julie squirmed. I placed a comforting hand on her thigh.  
„Really, it‘s no big deal. We had seen each other naked like a hundred times.“  
Well, that wasn’t a complete lie. Back in school, when we went to gym classes, we did see each other naked. But since Julie had started to go to university, we never had any occasion to get naked.  
„Okay,“ Julie finally agreed.  
I squeezed her shoulder.  
„Thank you. I promise I‘ll be quick.“  
Julie nodded and helped me unbutton her top. I really tried not to stare, but it got heavier the more skin was revealed. The small pert breasts were one thing, but then Julie‘s abdomen came in sight and I almost dreamily sighed at the almost too-perfect six-pack-abs, who weren‘t too bulky to still appear feminine.  
Julie herself was quite fascinated by her own body too. She explored the taut muscles of her stomach, testing their strength.  
„Look at this. It‘s like being born into the body of some freaking superhero.“  
I gulped.  
„It is indeed impressive.“  
I looked up to see Julie smirk at me. Then she suddenly got serious once more and raised a finger.  
„This is a medical procedure. All business.”  
„Right,“ I said breathily and went to work. I quickly cleaned the cuts and taped the new gauze over it. My desire to reach out a hand and brush along her skin got gradually bigger the longer I was treating her, touching her warm and smooth skin.  
Then, finally, I patched up the last scrape and sat back letting out a breath in relief.  
„Done.“  
Julie thanked me, buttoning up the shirt. Though she was smiling, her eyes had something unreadable in them.  
She stifled a yawn. I glanced at the clock. It was only 8 p.m., but it felt like midnight.  
„You should go to sleep. It‘s been a quite eventful day.“  
„That‘s one way to put it,“ Julie smirked while standing up from the couch. I instantly missed her presence near me.  
„Do you have everything you need?“ I asked.  
Julie looked at me with a thoughtful look that I couldn‘t place.  
„Yes.“  
„Okay. Good night then.“ I raised my hand awkwardly, not knowing if I should hug her or remain sitting.  
Julie inclined her head in my direction.  
„Good night.“


	3. Tentative steps

I don‘t know how I knew she needed me. She didn‘t scream, didn‘t toss around, didn‘t cry.   
But I woke up because I felt like my chest was constricting me. I swiftly slipped from my bed and ran barefoot towards the guest room.   
„Julie? J?“ I whispered through the half-open door. I held my breath waiting for some kind of acknowledgement or reaction. But nothing came.   
I pushed the door open fully and again stood still, hearing Julie‘s slightly laboured breathing, the only thing that was a little off in the otherwise peaceful scene.  
She was okay.   
Maybe it has been me all along.   
My mind told me: Let her sleep, she needs it.   
My heart on the other hand screamed: Wake up, I need you!  
„Ramona?“ I heard the sleepy voice of Julie in the darkness, then sheets rustled and she was sitting up, looking at me through sleepy eyes, „are you okay?“  
„Totally,“ I said with a fake smile that she couldn‘t even see in the dark and came closer to sit on the edge of the bed, „I just came here to check in on you.“  
Julie‘s face was still in the shadows, but I could vividly imagine how she lifted a doubtful eyebrow, almost calling me out on my lie. But she didn‘t say it out loud.   
„Oh. Well thank you, I‘m fine.“  
She took my hand, brushing over my knuckles with her fingers. The sensation of it made pleasurable shivers go down my back.   
„Sorry to have woken you up,“ I said.   
Julie‘s smile glinted in the darkness and I had to physically restrain my hand not to reach out to stroke over those dimples I knew were there.   
„Don‘t worry. Will you be able to go back to sleep?“  
I let out a nervous laugh.   
„Me? Of course, yes!“ I abruptly pulled my hand from hers.   
„Sorry again,“ I said and quickly exited the room, rushing to my own bed throwing myself face-down on my covers.   
What have I been thinking? She‘s not the same Julie as before. Not the same Julie that I have known for years, the Julie that I knew in school, the awkward, but adorable idiot, the Julie that needed me. Or I liked to believe so.   
This wasn’t my Julie.  
She has never been mine to begin with.   
During my inner rant, I didn‘t notice someone enter my room until the bed dipped and I felt the covers being spread out over me.   
Then I felt a warm body settle next to me under the covers.   
„What are you doing?“ I asked turning around a tiniest bit to see her face, looking up at the ceiling.   
Julie shrugged.   
„I don‘t know, but it felt like the right thing to do.“   
I remained lying on my side, not daring to come closer to the blonde woman in fear of making her uncomfortable. Truth is, while Julie and I had often slept in the same bed, we had always kept our distance (to my dismay) and when we woke up tangled together, we would laugh, get out of bed and act like it didn‘t happen.   
„I don‘t bite,“ Julie repeated my earlier words when I stoically remained on my side of the bed. I chuckled lightly.  
„You can never be careful enough.“ Julie‘s deep laugh made the bed vibrate. Then I felt her shuffle even closer, until her body was next to mine and I could feel the heat emanating from her, and like the warmth from the fire in the old house of my grandma, it was the kind of heat coming from a fire at which you could sit all day and stare into the flames feeling cosy and secure. And of course my silly body betrayed me and sank into the offered warmth, relaxing immediately, revelling in the closeness. A sigh escaped me.   
Julie‘s fingers stroked lightly through my hair.  
„Sleep now. I‘ll still be here when you wake up.“   
I let myself engulf by sleep, a smile on my lips, Julie‘s body keeping me warm and safe all night.

I won‘t describe how I woke up in every detail, because that‘s so cliché. Fact is, I, who is a notorious early-riser, slept in so late that once I opened my eyes and realized how late it was, I didn‘t even consider getting out of bed.  
No thanks, there‘s no way I‘m leaving now.   
Like so often during our sleepovers, we had gravitated even closer. While we sometimes woke up spooning, my absolutely favourite position was the one we were currently in: Face to face, Julie‘s arms wrapped around my upper body, our legs tangled together. My head was against her chest, and if I adjusted its position slightly, I would be able to hear her heartbeat. My one hand was only a few inches away from her stomach and all in me dared me to reach out and feel those nice muscles there, but I resisted the urge so I wouldn‘t destroy the calm of this late morning.   
„Hello, sleepyhead.“   
My body froze when I heard Julie‘s raspy morning voice.   
Well, that much for the calm morning. I wasn‘t ready to let go of her yet, but I knew that in a few seconds the inevitable excuses and disentanglements would begin.  
Julie moved a little, but instead of removing her arms from around me like I expected, they tightened around my waist, pulling me closer. Her nose buried in my hair, her breath tickled me on my face and I let out a tiny laugh.   
She had stayed.   
Now that I was so pressed up against her, there really was no reason not to touch.   
My hand finally made contact with her abdomen and with a jolt I realized a button of her pyjamas had come undone.   
Maybe, if per accident, my hand slipped in there...   
Like a mindless tool, my hand did just that, now pressing my palm deliberately against her warm skin. My fingernails were slightly raking along her muscles.   
Julie let out a slight hum.  
„Did you sleep okay?“ I asked shily.   
„Absolutely not. Someone was snoring horrendously.“  
I rolled my eyes. Of course, good morning to you, sarcasm.  
„How did you sleep?“ Julie whispered in my ear.   
„Very nicely...“ I said vaguely.   
„Good to know.“  
I felt her breathe in deeply.  
„I hope you don‘t have somewhere to be, because I‘m not planning on leaving this spot anytime soon.“  
„It‘s fine by me...“ I breathed. I felt Julie smile. After a few moments of interrupted silence, where Julie was silently drawing shapes and twirls on my skin while I intently listened to her heartbeat, she spoke again.  
„Please tell me something...“  
„Tell you what?“  
„A shared memory. Something we did together. I want to know.“  
I sighed.   
„J, it‘s in the past...“  
„But it‘s still important! I don‘t want to lie here with you and not know anything about you or the time we spent together. Please, Ramona.“  
I huffed.   
„Okay, fine... for our graduation week, we spent a week at the Golden Sands in Bulgaria to celebrate with our class. We were together in a hotel room, you, me and our friend Leanne. Leanne was like a mother hen - she would always look out for us, because you and I were the worst. We would wake up each other every morning by holding an ice-cold glass of Tequila Sunrise to each other‘s faces. We were 18, so what?“ I felt Julie chuckle and continued with my story.  
„I think it was the pre-last evening, the whole class planned to go to a club called Arrogance. We had both drank during the whole day and insisted on going solo. We made our way down to the beach before going to the club. We sat together by the calm sea, waiting for the sun to go down. I got a little cold and thankfully, you always took your ugly green jacket with you whenever we went out. I never knew why.“  
„You always get cold, so it seems like the jacket was put to good use.“  
I turned my head upwards slightly.   
„Do you remember that?“  
Julie bit her lip and shook her head.   
„No, it just came to me...“   
„Oh. Thank you, then.“  
She squeezed my waist lightly.  
„What happened then?“ she asked.   
„Right... after we had looked at the sunset, we went to join the others in the club. When we entered, and you by the way got us in without paying, I really don‘t know how you always do that! Anyway, we got in and I immediately pointed to those big 2 litre pitchers that were sold at the bar. I challenged you to drink one with me in less than two minutes.“   
Julie erupted in laughter.  
„Oh man... hearing your younger‘s self embarrassing, drunken stories is worse than I thought. Except that I of course can blame the memory loss on the accident, not the alcohol. You in all cases were a piece of work, I can tell. What happened next?“  
I smiled to myself.   
„We really did it. We drank the whole thing and then went dancing. Some people of our class were there, and we joined them. I danced with a few girls, and at once it was just me with that one girl, Sarah. She swept me away from the group and we bought some more drinks and danced again. But she really gets creepy when she starts dancing with you from behind, holding you in place with hands on your waist.“  
„She sounds like a bitch. Am I friends with her?“ Julie sounded faintly disgusted by the idea. I laughed.   
„No, absolutely not. She was once a good friend of mine, but you two never got along very well. But once I had to definitively choose between the two of you, I chose without hesitation.“ I reached up and tapped her scrunched up nose with my finger.  
„That‘s why I haven‘t talked to her since college and you are here in my bed.“  
„Lucky me,“ Julie said, „but I still wouldn‘t have made you choose if it had been up to me. That‘s not fair to you.“  
I shrugged.   
„I don‘t regret it. Now do you want me to finish the story?“  
„Of course, sorry. I‘m all ears.“  
„After Sarah started to seemingly dirty-dance with me, you somehow materialized right in front of me, whispering something in Sarah‘s ear. I don‘t know what you said to her, because she let go of me abruptly and got lost in the crowd. I asked you about it, but you just grinned and told me to dance with you.“  
„I can dance?“ Julie said excitedly.   
I patted her stomach.   
„You‘re trying.“   
„That means I‘m really awful at it, am I right?“ Julie groaned.  
I chuckled.  
„Totally. You‘re so weird when you dance. But I didn‘t care when we danced together. We had so much fun, we laughed and sang. You even did that thing where you dipped me over your arm and we couldn‘t stop grinning.“  
I let out the part where I had whisperingly asked Julie if she was gay, which caused her to look quizzically at me before asking if I was gay. In a panic-induced moment, I shook my head and the moment was over. Julie had picked up where we finished and we had continued to dance, but I had been painfully aware of her fingertips on my waist, of her smooth back muscles under my fingers, her glittering eyes boring into mine.  
„Ramona? Helloooo?“   
I remembered where I was. Yeah right, the story.   
„Sorry. Suddenly, I grabbed your neck and told you I had to puke. You took my hand and swiftly led me out of the club. We had some difficulty to find a place hidden from view, but we did. It was a group of trees with an old car parked there. I threw up violently while you were standing there laughing at me because you finally out-drank me once in your life.“  
„I was a jerk. But hell yeah, I totally out-drank you. High-five past-self!“ Julie‘s voice sounded smug.   
„You‘re all the same,“ I muttered under my breath.   
„Sorry, babe. How does the story end?“  
I tried not to react to the pet name and said: „Sober once more, we went back to the club.“  
„Unsurprising,“ Julie commented grinning.  
„A girl from our class, Lea, told me that there was a guy who wanted to meet me. She took hold of me and pulled me to him. He was nice and good-looking, so we danced and drank and even made out...“  
„What kind of story are you telling me?“ Julie asked horrified.   
„Patience!“ I shushed and chuckled. Julie grumbled something but stayed silent.  
„The guy then asked me if we could go somewhere more private. I agreed and we went outside to the beach. There we sat on one of those beach seats and made out some more. He was starting to fumble with my zipper when I heard someone yell my name.“ I took a deep breath and restrained my laughter. This was just too funny.   
„‚Ramona, Ramona, where are you? I bought pizza!‘“  
„Oh my god. Totally cock-blocked by pizza!“ Julie laughed, „who was it?“  
„Well you, of course. Who else?“   
„Oh shit, really? Hell, I‘m so sorry if I ruined the mood.“  
„To be fair, it was already ruined before. You just gave me the perfect excuse to go. So, I got up, apologized to the guy and ran off towards you. Your grin was so wide, and there was no way for me to know if you knew what you had just done, but either way, I was grateful for it.“   
„So…” Julie said after a moment of silence, „you chose pizza over sex?“  
„No, silly. I chose watching the sunrise with you while eating pizza over sex.“  
We laughed together.   
„That‘s a nice memory. Thank you.“  
„Anytime.“   
We both laid there, lost in our thoughts. Julie‘s rumbling stomach interrupted us.   
„Breakfast sounds like a wonderful idea,“ I agreed and pushed Julie‘s arms away. I missed them immediately, but the knowledge that I had been in these arms all night soothed me enough to let go of her for the moment.   
„I‘ll see you in a bit,“ Julie smiled dazingly and walked out of the room, leaving me standing there with a dumb smile on my face.  
Even if I had seen her smile a thousand times, my reaction stayed the same, maybe even got stronger. The same feeling as when your crush sat next to you in school and you couldn‘t even look at him without blushing, while your stomach was practicing triple-somersaults.   
But this was more than a crush smiling back at me.   
This was my life-long best friend who forgot who she was, now it‘s like there are two separate versions of her and I seemingly can’t resist neither of them. Just great.   
I dressed myself in a black top and some gym trousers and walked to the kitchen, deep in thought, when a voice startled me.  
„Morning sunshine!“  
„Tamira... didn‘t know you‘d already be here today,“ I stammered, very surprised. Tamira rolled her eyes.   
„If you‘d ever do so much as check your phone, you‘d know. I had to take an unplanned leave from the firm.“  
Tamira was doing an internship at a law-firm.   
„Oh, okay,“ I said while I put up hot water to make myself some tea (which I always drank in the morning, because it is way better than coffee), „why‘s that?“  
Tamira just waved her hand.   
„Not important. But I guess I couldn‘t have chosen a worse time to come home. You know, a sock on the door of your room would have been nice, I walked in on you tonight in bed with some girl...“   
I spit out the tea I had just drank.   
„Tamira!“  
„What? Nothing to be ashamed of, I know you like girls, I just thought you still weren‘t over...“  
„Cut it!“ I hissed. Tamira cocked an eyebrow.   
„You didn‘t get laid, did you?“  
„One, that‘s none of your business and two...“  
„Erm, sorry...“ said a voice from the hallway. Both Tamira and my head whipped around to see Julie standing awkwardly in the doorframe. Julie scratched her ear, probably a little vary of Tamira’s inquisitor gaze.   
„Yes?“ I tried to say in a neutral voice, but it came out high-pitched and flat. Tamira‘s head shot to me again, then back to J. Her eyes were glowing with apprehension.  
„Oh my god!“ she said, standing up and clapping her hands together, „you two finally got it on! Congratulations, it only took you like... a decade? Wow!“ Tamira cluelessly babbled on, oblivious to the angry looks I shot her way and Julie‘s confused face. And as the cherry on top of the cake, Tamira walked up to Julie and plucked her finger firmly in her chest.   
„If you hurt her, I‘ll end you. You better not hurt her, because I‘d miss all your pranks!“ Then she engulfed the still shocked Julie in a hug. Julie‘s hands came down automatically around Tamira and she gave me a questioning look. I sighed inwardly.   
Yep, my friend is shit-crazy and no, I didn‘t tell her I brought my amnesic best friend in our apartment.   
Whoops.  
„J, I‘ll be right there. What did you need?“  
Julie‘s face was flushed.   
„I just wanted to ask if you had a spare toothbrush.“  
„Under the sink in the bathroom,“ I said and with a last worried gaze in my direction, Julie left the kitchen. Tamira was still standing in front of our table, grinning at me.   
„When did this happen?“  
I sighed.   
„Tamira, we‘re not together.“   
Rolling her eyes, Tamira snickered.   
„Sure. You‘re only like the most love-sickly acting couple who isn‘t a couple I‘ve ever met.“  
„We‘re not love-sick. We‘re friends.“  
Tamira gave me a knowing look.   
„Friends don‘t stare at each other‘s asses so hard.“   
My eyes widened horrified.   
„Tamira!“  
„What?“  
„Look,“ I said a little pleadingly, „there‘s this little problem...“ And I told her the whole story of the last day. Sometime during my story, Tamira sat down.   
„Bruh,“ she stated once I was done, „that‘s tough. How is she holding up?“   
I shrugged.   
„Pretty good, everything considered. Her only lasting problem is her amnesia.“  
„Have you tried to trigger some memories?“   
I had to admit that I hadn‘t. Tamira nodded.   
„Maybe you should do that.“  
„I know I should. But she needs some rest first.“  
I heard Tamira mumble something under her breath, but I couldn‘t understand her.   
„Okay, okay, hun. Next time just send a text?“  
I smiled at my friend.   
„Yeah. Sorry.“  
Tamira smiled back.  
„It‘s all okay. But you have to be careful, right? I know the feelings you have for this woman and while she definitively had them for you too, right now she doesn‘t remember. I just don‘t want you to make any rushed decisions, okay?“  
I nodded, Julie‘s smile coming to my mind, how she looked at me this morning after waking up together.  
„I‘ll look out.“  
„Good,“ Tamira said, then checked her watch, „I‘m gonna go to the gym, so I‘ll be back mid-afternoon. See you later.“ She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and swiftly left the house. A minute after Tamira was gone, Julie came into the kitchen, with wet hair and a half-confused, half-amused grin.   
„Did she leave? Or does she want to threaten me some more?“   
I raked my hand through my hair.   
„Yeah, sorry about that.“  
„No worries. It‘s not like I intend to hurt you, so I guess I‘m safe for the moment,“ Julie said non-chalantly and poured herself some tea too. I just watched her silently until she sat down across the table. She sipped slowly, her forehead furrowing because it was so hot, and her tongue shot up to lick the corner of her mouth. I followed every movement.  
„You‘re staring again.“  
I jumped and met Julie‘s eyes.   
„I was just thinking... what do you want to do today?“ I quickly changed the subject. The sparkle in her eyes returned.   
„I don‘t know what I like to do, or what you like to do, so I think it‘s safe to entrust the decision to you.“  
I searched my head for something that we could do, until Tamira‘s proposition shot through my head.   
„Finish your tea. I know what we have to do.“

„Thanks for taking the bus with me,“ Julie said once we stepped out of the vehicle. I squeezed her arm.   
„You‘re welcome. Now come on, we have to walk a little further.“  
Julie was looking around curiously.   
„Where are we?“  
„You‘ll see. Come on.“  
We walked next to the road for a couple of minutes, until we came to a gravel entryway with a large iron gate. The smell of horses and barn hit me instantly and I felt Julie tense up a little next to me.   
Trigger her memories, Tamira had said.   
„Does this look familiar to you?“  
Julie looked around the estate.   
„No, it doesn‘t look familiar.“   
My shoulders slumped a little in defeat, but then Julie said excitedly: „But it sure as hell smells familiar. We‘re going riding?!“   
I blushed.   
„You are. You can‘t get me on a horse.“  
„Oh, afraid of ponies?“ Julie teased. I slapped her arm lightly.  
„Shut up and lead the way.“  
We entered the barn and I saw an man in his sixties come towards us. He was limping a little, but his posture was straight and his eyes were looking at us attentively.   
„I be damned! Julie Lucífer?“ He clutched the blonde by the shoulder and a smile spread over his weathered features.   
„Sir,“ the blonde said nodding respectfully, but clearly didn‘t recognize the old man.  
The man‘s smile didn‘t falter.   
„You look good, lass. I got a horse for you to ride. Could you do that for me?“   
Julie‘s posture slumped a little and she looked at the man with sorrowful eyes.   
„Sir, I can‘t ride... I don‘t remember how,“ Julie said hesitantly.  
„I won‘t take no for an answer. Now get Espoir in the ring. Third Box on the left.“  
„Aye, sir.“   
Julie‘s almost automatic response surprised us both, but the old man seemed rather pleased.   
„Go now.“ Julie took off towards the stables as if on autopilot.  
„Sir, I...“ I shook my head confusedly, „there must be some mistake...“  
The old man looked at me for the first time and dusted off his hand on his trousers.  
„Forgive me, Miss, I haven‘t introduced myself. My name is Marc Dumas.“ Now I noticed his slight French accent. I shook the offered hand.  
„Nice to meet you, Sir. My name is Ramona.“   
He repeated the name, a firm hold on my hand, a friendly smile on his lips.  
„Welcome to my stables, Miss Ramona. Now, how about we go sit down there by the ring and wait until Julie has finally saddled that hell beast?“   
„But, Sir, Julie doesn‘t know how to ride. She got into an accident few days ago and she doesn‘t even remember her family or where she lives! You can‘t just let her wander off on her own, and certainly not sit on a horse and...“  
Marc shook his head with an amused smile.   
„Miss Ramona, I believe you‘ve never ridden a horse before?“   
I blushed and shook my head no. He nodded to himself.   
„You see, when people get on a horse for the first time, there are many people that clutch the saddle in panic at first, terrified. After the horse has then taken a few steps, they relax slightly, and some of them begin to enjoy it and start riding horses, others hate it and swear to never mount a horse again. Then there are the rare exceptions that never feel the slightest bit of panic, even if they are five years old and the horse is a giant compared to them. They beg their parents to let them sit on the horse, where they are instantly more at ease than everywhere else in the world. These people are rare, and Julie is one of them. She may not remember her family, her friends, her home... but even with the most serious amnesia, she would never forget the feeling that comes over her when she sits on a horse.“   
He leaned back against the back of the wooden seats.   
„So, don‘t worry. She‘ll be fine. I know what I was doing when I told her to ride Espoir. He‘s a beautiful stallion, you‘ll see. It‘s a joy watching him in action.“  
I was a little baffled by all the information he had just told me, and my mouth was open ready to talk back, but in that moment, I heard the sound of hooves on the gravel, coming towards us.   
When the animal came into sight, I barely suppressed a gasp.  
The horse was huge, tall and lean, of a beautiful dark auburn colour. His mane was wavy and black and a white bless on his head was giving him a regal look. He was stomping his feet impatiently as he entered the sandy ring. I could hear him snort, kicking his front leg and heard a quiet reprimanding ‚Ssh!‘ coming from next to him. The horse immediately set down his foot and snorted again, this time seemingly calmer. Then I finally looked at the blonde figure standing next to him. She had changed into tight dark-brown coloured riding trousers and tall black boots. Her posture was steady and she had lifted a warning hand towards the horse who had tried to nibble at her.   
She didn‘t look confused or unsure. Even if she was tiny against the enormous beast, her presence seemed to dominate the whole scene.   
„Magnificent, isn‘t he?“ Marc was eyeing the horse proudly, while stroking over his trimmed silver beard, „and yet so much trouble.“  
I nodded, too nervous to say anything. After readjusting the saddle and bridle, she lifted on of her legs into the stirrup and with a graceful movement swung herself up on the giant. Once there, she calmly collected the reins in her hands, while the horse under her shifted from one foot to another impatiently. He snorted loudly, his ears playing back and forth.   
Julie clucked her tongue and the horse began to walk, his fast stride showing off his impatience to finally run free.   
Marc leaned towards me.   
„He has a severe lack of movement, because everyone is afraid to even get near him.“  
„He seems quite energetic.“  
He nodded.  
„Aye but look at the movement of his rear legs: so much power, so much elegance. Next look at his broad neck - stallions have the tendency to sport such necks, but his is impressing. Then the way he holds his head, you could almost say he‘s a swan. See?“ He gestured with his finger while describing the horse, who was now trotting in the arena.   
Yes, he was beautiful. As was the person sitting on him.   
Julie was sitting up and down in the rhythm of the stallion‘s trot, applying little pressure on the reins from time to time. When she did it, it looked really easy.   
I heard her cluck her tongue once more, encouraging the horse to go faster. Espoir willingly changed from trot to canter with a shake of his big head. He gained speed, but Julie was holding him securely. He shook his head again multiple times, as if annoyed by the restriction.   
Julie sat down more clearly in the saddle, doing something with her legs. The horse‘s canter turned back to trot, but then started to cross the ring diagonally, crossing his hind legs while doing so. It looked like he was dancing, the strong neck curved, his long tail swinging from side to side.   
„It‘s called a Traversale.“  
I looked at Marc who was calmly watching the scene before us.   
„How can Julie know how to do that?“   
The old man pulled his shoulders up.  
„Who knows. Call it muscle memory or instinct, she‘s doing great with him.“  
„She looks happier.“  
„It‘s like being stripped of all your worries at once and feeling only the powerful movements of the animal beneath you is one of the best therapies. You should try it,“ he said with a smile in my direction. I hummed noncommittally.   
„You make her happy too.“  
I turned towards the old man.  
„Why would you say that?“  
„You brought her here. And I saw the way she looks at you. The only thing Julie has looked at that way are the horses. And they are very dear to her.“ He winked and stood up.   
„I‘m going to talk to her real quick about Espoir. I‘m sure she‘ll be done in a minute.“ He gave me a last smile and walked towards the ring.   
I saw Julie lead the horse towards Marc and stop directly in front of him. I watched them talk and then Marc patted the horse’s sweaty neck. He said something that made Julie smile brightly and she nodded. Marc gave the horse one last friendly pat and took off towards the barn.   
I stood up from my chair and slowly walked towards the ring, keeping in a safe distance from the horse. Julie had hopped down from the beast and was stroking over his neck, talking to him in a soft voice. The horse turned his big head and gave her a friendly shove with his nose.   
Julie reached for the reins and pulled the horse along while walking towards me.   
Her face was a little flushed and dusty, but her eyes seemed calmer and more at ease than before. Her lips formed into a sheepish smile.   
„Hi,“ she said, batting away the horse‘s curious nose.   
„Hey,“ I replied softly, watching the exchange between her and the animal, „he took quite a liking to you.“  
Julie grinned.   
„He‘s a sweetheart once you get through his hard shell. I don‘t see how anyone could be afraid of him.“ She tousled his mane.   
„Well, I can see why.“ Standing up close, the horse looked even taller than from where I was watching. And there surely was some reason that Marc had called him a hell beast.  
Julie‘s smile remained, but her eyes sparkled challengingly.   
„Come on and pet him. He‘s all calm now.“   
I took several steps back from the wooden fence.   
„No.“  
Julie laughed at my horrified face.   
„It‘s okay. We don‘t bite.“ She laughed even more.  
I shook my head vigorously.   
„No way, J.“   
Julie looked at me searchingly for a moment.   
„Do you trust me?“ Julie said quietly.  
I pursed my lips.   
„Of course, I trust you. But not the horse.“  
Julie smiled again sweetly.   
„You don‘t have to trust him. Just me. You can stay right here next to me. I won‘t let anything happen to you. I swear on my name.“   
She held out her hand, palm up.   
Touched by her words, I hesitantly reached out and linked our hands. Julie pulled me swiftly next to her in the ring, not giving me a chance to escape.  
„Don‘t be afraid, I got you.“   
I couldn‘t resist her and slowly smiled back. It felt nice being pressed to her once again. I almost forgot there was a big auburn monster with us in the ring. Almost.   
I looked over my shoulder and saw big brown eyes watching me curiously. He reached out with his nose, blowing air out of his nostrils. His ears pointed forwards. He didn‘t look like he was going to bite me, but I still tensed.   
„Hey buddy, you better be careful. This is Ramona, she‘s very important to me. So, you can‘t eat her, because I still need her. Be nice,“ Julie said to the horse while offering him her hand to sniff. He snorted again and rubbed his muzzle on her hand.   
„He promised to behave.“  
„Since when do you speak horse?“ I sassed, my voice a little trembling.   
Julie smiled good-naturedly.   
„Don‘t be a chicken. Give me your hand.“   
„Fine,“ I grumbled and watched Julie lead me hand up to the horse‘s nose.   
„Easy, boy,“ she soothed the stallion while placing my hand on his soft fur.   
„See? Harmless.“  
I rolled my eyes at Julie, who smiled at me proudly, then fondly stroked the horse‘s neck, never letting go of my hand.   
„Let‘s bring you back to your box, huh, buddy?“ Julie told the horse, then looked at me with a mischievous smile.   
„Wanna ride back?“  
„Don‘t push it,“ I threatened her with a jab of my elbow, but absentmindedly kept stroking the giant nose.  
„What does Espoir mean?“ I asked Julie curiously. Julie didn‘t answer for a moment and I saw she was intensively focused on loosening the saddle, her eyes not meeting mine.  
„It‘s French for Hope.“   
We started to walk towards the barn. I felt her hand take mine.   
„Ramona, I...“ she started and I looked up to meet her earnest eyes, „I wanted to thank you for taking me here today. It means a lot. I didn‘t ride for such a long time, I‘m pretty sure even if I don‘t remember, but you offered me this chance to find out more about myself and what I love. Thank you for coming here with me even though you‘re terrified of horses.“ She laughed quietly and gave my hand a squeeze.   
„You gave me hope, and I didn‘t mean this oversized dog here,“ she added pointing to the massive stallion walking calmly behind us. I laughed and squeezed back.   
„You‘re welcome. Anything for you.“  
„Anything?“ she said with raised brows and a slightly dangerous undertone.  
I gave a non-comitally hum.   
„Huh,“ was all Julie said, before clucking her tongue once more at Espoir. The stallion caught up with us and nudged Julie‘s arm.   
„I know, bud. I‘m working on it,“ Julie whispered to the horse. I raised my eyebrows at Julie, but she just smiled and busied herself again with Espoir, who kept nudging her with more and more emphasis.  
„I don‘t care how attached you or he gets, we‘re not leaving this place with more horses than we came with,“ I said warningly in Julie‘s direction, who broke out into loud laughter. We had reached the barn and Julie tied Espoir to the wall before taking off the saddle and bridle.  
„Oh, come on, we can‘t really keep him?“   
„No!“   
Julie let out a puff of air and said apologizingly to the horse: „Sorry, boy. We will come visit you as often as we can. Promise.“  
While I totally meant what I said, seeing Julie‘s enamoured expression with the chestnut horse while she was grooming him was tugging at my heart strings.   
Gulping down my fear, I reached out and stroked over Espoir‘s soft nose.   
„Yes, we‘ll come visit you.“   
Taking me completely by surprise, the young stallion shoved his head against my chest, snorting slightly. His muzzle played with the corners of my jacket.   
„Well, well, seems like Julie isn‘t the only one I‘ll see here around a little more often.“  
I turned to see Marc smiling at me with a pitchfork in his hand. I gave him a shy smile.   
„Maybe.“  
Julie came around the corner with a bucket of water, which she offered Espoir who drank greedily.   
„It was good to see you, Marc. You look well.“  
The old man raised a brow.   
„I‘m doing my best. I hope to see you again soon, lass. Miss Ramona.“ He nodded his head and disappeared again. I looked over to Julie who was still holding the bucket for Espoir.   
„How did you know his name? He didn‘t tell you earlier.“  
Julie shrugged, only briefly looking up.  
„Dunno. Just came to me.“   
She put down the empty bucket and untied Espoir‘s rope.  
„Come on, buddy.“ The stallion willingly followed her into his box. I observed her while she said goodbye to him.   
„Wish me luck,“ I heard her whisper before planting a kiss on his bless. Espoir snorted happily and watched her until she left his box. Once everything was cleaned up, Julie wiped her hands on her trousers and shot me a smile.   
„Are you ready to go? We can come back any time you want. Maybe this week-end or sometime next week. I‘ll come with you if you don‘t want to go alone,“ I started to ramble when she didn‘t say anything for a while, but I got interrupted.  
„Go out with me.“  
„What?“ My eyes widened in shock.   
Julie inclined her head and looked at me with her shining grey eyes.   
„I asked if you would want to go on a date with me?“


	4. For two

„Crap,“ I muttered to myself while I searched my drawers frenetically. The door to my room burst open.

„Hey, I heard you’re back, so I decided to ask how your day was.“

Tamira‘s excited voice got slower at the end of her sentence, her eyes taking in the mess in my room and my distressed appearance.

„What‘s wrong?“

I pushed a strand of hair behind my ear.

„What‘s wrong is,“ I said with a shaky laugh, „is that Julie asked me out on a date today.“

Tamira squealed slightly, pressing her hands together. Then she took in the look on my face.

„There shouldn‘t be anything _wrong_ with it...“ she said.

„I know, I know,“ I said, „but still... it‘s Julie and we‘re friends and I...“

„Yeah, but does she know that? Does she see you as a friend?“

I quickly replayed the past two days. Definitely more than friends.

„Okay, fine, but what if I mess it up?“

Tamira rolled her eyes.

„You know the pre-accident Julie. She stuck by you through the worst of times, so I guess this post-accident Julie can do the same.“

She looked around, as if suddenly remembering that the person we spoke about could be nearby.

„Where is she?“

„At her apartment.“

„How...?“

I huffed.

„You know how she is. She wanted it all to be perfect, so she went there with her key she found in the pocket in one of her jeans and said she‘ll get ready there. But that was hours ago. She said she‘d pick me up at...“ I glanced up at the clock, „seven?!“

„Plenty of time.“

„Tamira, it‘s half past five. She‘ll be here in less than two hours and I have nothing to wear!“

„Alright girl, calm down,“ Tamira commanded and put her hands on my shoulders, „take a breath, then another one, that‘s right.“

She let go of me and plucked her finger playfully in my cheek.

„Don‘t worry about your dress, we‘ll find something that will make Julie hot and uncomfortable all evening. Her fingers will be itching to touch you and she‘ll have to fight the desire to...“

„Enough!“ I yelled and held my hand over my ears. Tamira laughed.

„Let me see.“ She pushed me out of the way with determination and began to rummage in my closet.

„Where are all your fancy clothes?“ Tamira‘s muffled voice said.

„It‘s not like there are a lot of them...“ I said, pointing to a drawer in the closet. Tamira pulled it open and snorted.

„Is that it?“

I nodded and Tamira shook her head.

„Okay. Now I want you to think very, very hard: do you really have nothing else, because otherwise you‘re screwed because you and I aren‘t near the same size.“

When I didn‘t react, Tamira sighed.

„Come on... there has to be some dress lying around here somewhere.“

„I have one more, but it‘s a little risqué...“ I admitted slowly. Tamira cocked a brow.

„Show me!“

„It‘s too slutty for a date!“

Tamira looked at me with a look that told me she would be standing there until I showed it to her.

„Alright, alright...“ I relented and opened one of my drawers, pulling out a box buried deep down under stuff I never used. I made a move to open the lid, but I hesitated once more.

„Tamira, I don‘t want to wear this dress. It really is slutty and that‘s not what I want to look like tonight. It‘s Julie, and I know this dress will make her go crazy, but that‘s not how I want it to be.“

Tamira smiled at me.

„Look at you, trying to win a date over with something else that your body. Don‘t be mad, hun, but that‘s kind of what you do most times when we go out or when you agree to go on a date with someone...“

„I know...“ I said biting my lip, „but with her, I feel different. With the old Julie, I always felt like I could be myself no matter what, and this new Julie is just so open and sweet and damn, she‘s got such a cute smile! It‘s a curse, I can‘t resist it!“

Tamira made a high squeaky sound out of excitement.

„You really like her.“

I blushed a deep red.

„Of course I do. And I never thought we would be more than friends, but then the accident happened. And god the first thing she did when she woke up was flirt with me!“ I buried my head in my hands.

„This is a disaster.“

Tamira drew my hands away from my face.

„Nah, it‘s cute. Did she tell you what you were doing?“

I shook my head.

„No idea. She just said she‘ll pick me up at seven, which is in an hour by the way. Tamira, help me!“

„No need to panic.“

„There is reason to panic! I don‘t have anything to wear!“

In the moment of deafening silence in the room, my phone beeped with an incoming message. I reached for it quickly.

„It‘s from her.“

„What does it say?“ Tamira asked impatiently.

„It says: ‚To prevent further mental breakdowns about what you should wear, know that I like the way you look in everything. Don‘t take a jacket with you, that‘s an order.‘“

I looked up from the text.

„How the hell could she know? She‘s supposed to have forgotten all these things about me, but here she is, knowing exactly what I want and need...“

„I‘d tell you how, but you‘ll just deny it again,“ Tamira said with a smug grin.

„Whatever,“ I snorted, looking around in the mess that was now my room.

„Guess I‘ll just throw on some clothes.“

„I‘ll help you clean this up.“

We decided on some black slacks hugging my waist tightly, and a deep red blouse who could be buttoned in the front. Like ordered, I didn‘t take a jacket with me, because it was still warm outside in the evening.

Once clothed, Tamira rushed me into the bathroom, collecting make-up brushes and eyeliner on the way.

„Hold still,“ she said as she carefully applied the mascara. I could have done it myself, but I enjoyed Tamira‘s skilled hands busying themselves with my face.

Tamira put the mascara down and took the eyeliner, promising me to only put on a little. Tamira could really quickly be swept away in her project and in a second, you suddenly looked like a clown.

With a content look, Tamira moved my face from side to side.

„No need to use concealer, your skin looks wonderful. Now the lips. I‘m rendering them absolutely kissable.“ She made a kissing motion towards me, exaggerating the smack. I rolled my eyes and shoved her away.

„Just get over with it.“

Tamira carefully added lipstick of a decent colour.

„Do you wanna do something with your hair?“

I took a strand in my hand. I knew Julie very often had buried her fingers in them, lightly scratching my scalp which felt like heaven and I had always loved the innocent gesture.

But that was the old Julie. This one might be the complete opposite.

„Can you put it up?“ I asked Tamira.

„Sure babe.“

 

The doorbell rang at 7.03 p.m. Not that I had been counting the minutes.

I walked the few steps to the door, taking a deep breath. Tamira had retreated into the living room, not before encouraging me with a hug.

I unlocked the door and removed the additional security chain. Tamira was a neat freak when it came to locking the door. What reminds me, I‘ll have to give Julie a key to the apartment...

My inner current of thoughts was interrupted when a hand extended herself with a bouquet of small blue flowers clutched in it.

Looking up higher, I saw she was wearing a white dress shirt clashing with her rather pale skin, black slacks similar to mine but tighter, and a suit jacket, coupled with a thin, long tie. While the outfit was quite manly, Julie still managed to make it look feminine. Her hair was bound together behind her head, a few strands dancing around her face.

A smile that got wider with every second adorned her face.

Her eyes were looking me up and down.

„Hi,“ she said in a half-whisper, our eyes locking.

„Hey,“ I breathed while my eyes were taken prisoner by those deep ponds of grey.

„And here I told you not to fuss about your clothing, that you shouldn‘t make a big deal about it, and here you are, looking incredible. Can‘t say I‘m surprised,“ Julie said with a cocky smirk.

Feeling a little braver, I paced closer and stroked with my hand over her suit-clad shoulders, then down her tie.

„Well, you dressed up, so it seemed I‘m doing the right thing.“

I stroked over the tie again.

„You look very nice in this.“

Julie grinned.

„Thanks. Seems like old me didn‘t really do fancy dress-up, so I had to go on a little shopping trip. God, I hate shopping.“

She made a face which made me laugh. When I reached out for her hand, I noticed she was still holding out the flowers.

„I‘ll get a vase to put these in water, I‘ll be right back, okay?“ My hand landed on Julie‘s upper arm and I gulped when even through the layers of clothes I felt her impressive muscles.

„Sure. I‘ll be waiting here.“ She handed me the flowers and I brought them up to my nose, smelling them.

„What are those? I don‘t recognize the smell,“ I asked Julie while halfway to the kitchen.

„They‘re called Forget-Me-Not‘s.“ I faltered in my step when I heard Julie‘s explanation, but quickly caught myself and continued on without answering.

Don‘t forget what?

Don‘t forget her former self with which you fell in love years ago?

That we were just friends two days ago? That I really shouldn‘t feel this overwhelming urge to kiss her all day?

Easier said than done.

I returned from the kitchen with a fake composed smile plastered on my face. Julie‘s smile was still in place; her eyes were admiringly looking up and down my body while she watched me walk towards her. I could see barely disguised hunger in her eyes.

Thanks god I didn‘t go with the slutty dress or we wouldn‘t have left the apartment.

„Shall we?“ I said and stepped out of the door, locking it behind me.

Julie offered her arm silently and we went downstairs.

 

We took the bus again, not without Julie stammering she‘s sorry because we can‘t take the car and me assuring her it‘s not a problem and landed at a bus stop with very little houses in the proximity and only a small gravel path leading to the woods. Julie took my hand and lead us in direction of the woods.

„Good thing you‘re not wearing heels...“ she smirked.

„I never wear heels.“

„You did once.“

I looked at her questioningly and she shrugged her shoulders.

„While I was at the apartment, I found some old pictures and notes of... well, myself. I read through them and it gave me a bit of an insight. Not surprisingly, most of the notes revolved around you.“

She grinned again.

„So the one time you wore high heels was at prom in our last school year, remember?“

I laughed, remembering the evening. Oh yeah, that had been fun.

„But when I remember correctly, you were wearing heels too.“

Julie shuddered.

„Don‘t remind me. Just the thought I had been wearing heels and a dress...“ She shook herself while I laughed.

„You looked nice in a dress, but this suits you a lot more,“ I said and reached out for the soft fabric of her jacket once again.

„Feels more like myself, too,“ Julie added absentmindedly. She looked like there was another question at the tip of her tongue, but she stayed silent.

After a moment, she pointed her finger at something before us. I followed her finger and saw a cabin made of wood, homely nestled in the darker part of the forest. I seemed oddly familiar.

„Do you remember it? Because I don‘t,“ Julie said with an amused undertone. I rolled my eyes at her lame joke.

„Har har. But no, I don‘t. Should I?“

„As I have read today, this was the place we had one of our class parties at the end of the schoolyear. And I recall this one being quite eventful.“

Suddenly it clicked.

I raised my eyebrows at my smugly grinning date.

„You brought me to the place where you got batshit hammered for the first time and spent the whole night throwing up, mumbling weird things whenever you had the chance?“

Julie laughed.

„No,“ she emphasized, „I brought you here because we had lots of fun here, judging by what I wrote in my diary, and this was the place where I kinda hit on you, probably for the first time. Without me realizing it, that is.“ She looked at my sceptical face.

„Give it a chance, okay?“

I huffed out a laughter, because I knew it wasn‘t really an issue what were here. I had liked taking care of my drunk friend while she was babbling absolute nonsense. She had been so unguarded, maybe even vulnerable, and I had enjoyed seeing my usually reserved friend letting me in and allowing me to take care of her.

„Fine. Are we going in?“ I squeezed her hand.

„Right this way,“ Julie said gallantly and held the door for me.

„Oh wow!“

The place didn‘t look the same as when we had our party here: the tables had been moved, leaving room to sit in front of the fireplace. On the floor, there were cushions strews around a makeshift table, which was low enough to sit on the ground to eat. The fire illuminated the room, giving it a warm glow.

„Did you do this?“

„No. I hired the forest animals to do it.“

I slapped Julie‘s arm playfully, suppressing my laughter.

„Can we make a no sarcasm rule?“

„Check, please!“

I couldn‘t hold it in and burst out laughing, pressing our linked hands to my chest. I looked up to Julie‘s face adorning an amused smile.

„Guess I‘ll be able to endure it for one evening...“ I drawled.

„What about the next dates?“

„Getting a little ahead of ourselves, are we?“ I smirked. Julie lifted our linked hands to her lips, pressing a soft kiss on my knuckles.

„I can‘t help it. You provoke it in me.“

„I like it when you‘re confident. You seem almost like yourself again.“

A dark shadow crossed Julie‘s features and she said nothing.

„I‘m sorr...“ I started to apologize, but Julie cut me off.

„Don‘t worry about it. Are you hungry?“

I furrowed my brows, not pleased with her changing the subject, but I relented.

„Yes.“

„Take a seat,“ she made an inviting gesture towards the cushions, „I‘ll be right back.“ She let go of my hand and disappeared inside the adjacent kitchen.

I sat myself on a comfortable cushion and looked into the dancing flames. It was comfortably warm where I was sitting.

„I would say I hope you like it, but I‘ve read enough to know that I‘m not gonna bother to ask.“

I turned towards Julie balancing two places towards the low table. The content made me squeal in delight.

„You brought sushi!“

Julie‘s smile reached her eyes again.

„I know you can‘t resist those.“ I saw her discreetly give herself a high-five.

„Are we going to eat or will you stand there looking smug for the rest of the evening?“

Julie‘s lips twitched and she turned back towards the kitchen, reappearing with chop sticks, soy sauce and ginger.

„You can‘t eat without these,“ she handed me the chop sticks and made herself comfortable on the cushion across from me.

„Enjoy,“ she said looking up to me with a smile.

I dug in hungrily, my previously knotted stomach loosened due to the delicious food.

„This is so great!“ I nearly moaned.

I heard Julie hiss something under her breath.

„What are you mumbling?“

„I said that next time you should rather go out with the sushi if it brings you such pleasure,“ Julie snipped and I chuckled.

„So, Ramona,“ she then said after swallowing another piece of sushi, „tell me about yourself.“

I cocked an eyebrow at her.

„It is after all a first date,“ Julie added.

„You practically know everything. You said you read the notes.“

„Well, yes I did, but maybe old me didn‘t capture quite everything.“

„What do you mean?“

Her grey eyes bore into me.

„She wrote so much about you, about how she feels when she‘s near you, how you hurt her, how she forgave you every time, but yet... she never made a move. She was too afraid of rejection, so she didn‘t even attempt it. She was a coward.“ Julie snorted.

„Is this irritation towards another person or is it self-hate when I call her... myself that?“ I laughed at her rhetoric question and her lips quirked up in a half-smile.

„I didsn‘t know if you were even gay... otherwise maybe I would have made a move, I mean, I came out like a year ago,“ I mused while picking and admiring another piece of sushi.

„Oh, please,“ Julie scoffed, also shoving another piece of sushi in her mouth with very little grace (that was a Julie thing), „my past-self was so gay I‘m surprised she didn‘t shit rainbows.“

„Really?“ I asked baffled. I really hadn‘t noticed.

„Yeah, totally. She just didn‘t act out on it, even though it showed without her realizing it. You know these tank-tops she always wore? Extremely gay, especially if they are white and tight.“

„I wear a lot of tank tops.“

She winked at me.

„Exactly my point.“

I let out a huff of laughter, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

„But I‘ve never had a lesbian encounter or relationship, or whatever. Do I really count as gay?“

„It‘s all in the intention. And you‘re having an encounter. Right here.“ She pursed her lips into a pout.

„I know, I know,“ I said, patting my filled stomach and sighing. Sushi is a gift from heaven.

„I‘ll just bring those to the kitchen,“ Julie said after a minute, standing up.

„I can help you...“

„You keep sitting! Defence of entering the kitchen for you,“ she said with a stern look and disappeared to the next room.

I stared into the flames until someone dropped down next to me. Julie held out a glass filled with orange liquid.

„No wine?“ I teased.

„I thought about it. But then I saw that great picture of you with like 2,5 galleon of orange juice and I said man, she must really like orange juice.“

„I don‘t remember this picture; how does it look like?“

„I‘ll give you a hint: it‘s the one where a lot of your boobs is visible...“

„Oh no, not that picture,“ I interrupted her and burst out laughing, then swatted her shoulder.

„You‘re mean.“

„I try to. Keeps me young and good-looking.“ She gave me her trademark smirk.

After our laughter died down, I turned towards her and tentatively leaned my head on her shoulder. It was warm and firm, and I sighed.

„What are we going to do now?“

Julie said nothing for a moment, staring into the flames while I studied her set face. Her lashes were throwing shadows on her cheekbones. Her jawbone was nicely shaped, but my gaze was drawn back to her tie. It looked so good on her and I couldn‘t put my finger on it why. Maybe it was because it was something only men did and I found it incredibly sexy that Julie could pull it off just as well.

And it will be really useful to pull her against me...

Hold on!

„I didn‘t plan any adventurous activities, if you think that. I just thought we could... talk and yeah...“ She gave me a small smile. I hummed, not moving my head from its spot.

„Okay... what do you wanna talk about?“

„I still want to know more about you. I know you‘re gay, I know you‘re single or you are cheating,“ at this point I rolled my eyes, „and that you like taking care of other people‘s booboo‘s. And you‘re a cuddler,“ she concluded with a cute grin. I blushed, embarrassed that it was so obvious.

„Well... there‘s not a lot more,“ I mumbled.

„I don‘t believe that.“

I looked in Julie grey orbs.

„There really isn‘t, J! We finished high school together... and while you went off to University and are studying biology, which I can‘t at all understand, but you keep saying it is a science of the future, but still... I‘m working part-time in a small grocery store and I still live in the exact same spot, I have no relationship, only one-night stands, the one thing my friends and I are doing is going off to clubs to get wasted, and then more meaningless sex happens...“

At the end of my rant, I realized with shame that my eyes were tearing up and I quickly buried my head in my hands. I felt a soft pressure on my back, felt Julie soothingly rub up and down my spine.

For a moment, the only sounds were my repressed sobbing and Julie‘s regular breathing.

„You know... That‘s still not exactly everything there is. You said that right now, you feel like you‘re nothing. Why not think about all the things you still can be? Ramona, you can be whatever you want to be.“

„Do you really think so?“ My voice trembled.

She hooked a finger under my chin making our eyes meet.

“I believe in you. I’ve known you for just a few days and I’m absolutely persuaded that you can achieve everything. Just… don’t give up yet. I know the future has great things in store for you.” The devotion and absolute faith in her eyes was so familiar - it was how old Julie had looked at me.

It was hard not to believe those eyes.

Julie‘s finger stayed firmly planted at my jawline, her eyes studying my face, but otherwise, she didn‘t move.

And all I could think about was to lean over and kiss her.

Those lips.

I wanted to feel them on mine.

I was inching closer second by second, only to feel J let go off my chin and sitting back. Disappointment flooded my chest and I quickly snapped back to my seat.

Julie though seemed oblivious to what was happening, because she was scratching her ear, looking to the kitchen indecisively.

After a few moments of contemplation, she seemed to have made up her mind and with a muttered excuse, scrambled up and into the kitchen.

I sighed and poked the fire with a log, trying to get my body to stop going haywire at the thought of Julie touching me.

„You all right?“ Julie‘s voice startled me.

„Yeah, sorry...“ I turned my head to smile apologetically and my jaw dropped when I saw what she was holding.

„Where did you get that?“

Julie‘s brows furrowed and she gave me a hurt look.

„Hey, it‘s mine! I can play, you know.“

„I know you can play, but you never had your own guitar. And my question was rather directed at what do you want to do with the guitar here?“

„I thought we needed more firewood.“

I gave her a deadpan look and she chuckled before carefully sitting down next to me, her guitar on her lap.

„While reading my old notes, I came up across various things. One of those is this song that I‘ve never heard, but after I looked up the chords, I managed to play it. Do you wanna hear it?“

Her slight insecurity at the end of her explanation struck a chord inside of me. Beneath all these layers of attitude, smugness and sarcasm, she was that little girl who desperately wanted people to listen to her, to notice her, to _see_ her.

„I‘d love to hear it,“ I husked.

Julie‘s smile was soft and I could read the quiet thank you in her eyes.

„Close your eyes...“ she suggested and I did just that, lulled in by the soft melody J was strumming.

 

_I have doubts,_

_I’m so afraid_

_I’ll just try to run_

_And it‘ll be okay_

 

_Oh - but what I didn‘t knew_

_Is that I could never get away from you_

_You hold me so tight like a kid his balloon_

 

_I promise you_

_I won‘t fly away_

_No matter how much wind there is_

_I promise you_

_We are tied together_

_No matter how much wind there is_

_I‘ll stay_

 

_Pull me back to you_

_Take me in your arms_

_Just tell me_

_To never let go_

 

_Oh - but I should have known_

_it’s painful to be apart from you_

_I want you to hold me so tight like the kid his balloon_

 

_I promise you_

_I won‘t fly away_

_No matter how much wind there is_

_I promise you_

_We are tied together_

_No matter how much wind there is_

_I‘ll stay_

 

I sat there frozen in shock.

No way.

What where the fucking odds?

Wasn‘t it hard enough until now?

„Did you like it?“

I looked up from my spiralling thoughts into J‘s hopeful eyes, looking at me expectantly.

„Yes...,“ my voice broke and I cleared my throat, „that was wonderful. You found this in Julie‘s notes?“

„Yeah, I did. Why, did past-me ever say anything about it?“ J inquired while placing the guitar on one of the tables.

„Nah, she mentioned that she was trying to write songs, but I really don‘t remember any of them...“ I said vaguely trying to keep it cool as J sat back down next to me.

„That sounded awfully like ‚Yes, but I‘m not telling.‘“

„This is so not fair,“ I complained and reached out for one of the strands of hair framing her face.

„What isn‘t?“ She smiled at me fondly and my heart leapt in my chest.

„That you can read me like I‘m some goddamn open book,“ I muttered while keeping my gaze on the lock of hair.

„Like you don‘t do the same,“ J husked, her breath hitting the side of my face making a shudder go down my back.

My eyes closed involuntarily and my hand continued to stroke over her hair.

After a moment of silence, J spoke again.

„You‘re still avoiding the question.“

„Am I doing a good job?“

„Not really. But I know a really effective method to distract me.“

I risked a look at her suggestively raised eyebrow, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

„J...“ I sighed, my eyes transfixed on her lips, somehow unable to look anywhere else.

Her face came closer inch by inch, carefully as if to not spook me. Her hand came to rest at the side of my face, her thumb brushing over my jawline reverently. Her breathing was deep and calm, but I knew this was the method she used when she was nervous.

I leaned into her touch and closed my eyes, awaiting her.

The touch of her lips was tentative, brushing against mine and I let out the air I didn‘t realize I had been holding in. I felt her mouth quirk up in a tiny smile.

„You don‘t know how long I‘ve been wanting to do that.“

I chuckled, placing my hand around the nape of her neck.

„You didn‘t know me two days ago.“

„Sticks and stones,“ she said while looking up to me with these incredible grey eyes from under her lashes.

I blushed and she smiled wider, her hand cupping my face.

„May I kiss you again?“

I had a lot of great sarcastic answers ready for use, but something about the vulnerable way she said it made me forget all of them and I just nodded.

Her lips were on mine again, more decidedly and persistent this time. Her nose bumped against mine as she shifted her position so she could place her other hand on my hip.

Her closeness made me bolder and I swiped my tongue over her closed lips, demanding entrance which was immediately granted. She tasted of orange juice. Her tongue shot out and bumped against mine, fighting for the upper hand. My free hand started to roam over her upper body when the kiss got more and more heated. Stroking over the collar of her shirt, I finally got to my goal: my hand closed around the tie and pulled her flush against me.

Julie let out a quiet moan against my lips.

„Ramona...“

„Yes...,“ I said with a smile, separating our lips just enough that I could still feel them looming above mine.

„Ramona, I just...,“ she was interrupted by me kissing her again effectively muting her, „oh god, I want to tell you something important here.“

„Go on, then,“ I prompted and instead focused on the exposed part of her neck, placing soft kisses and lightly sucking on the skin there.

„Fuck, I can‘t concentrate if you‘re doing that.“

I held her in place with my firm grip on her tie.

„Do your best.“ I gave her a playful grin. Julie nervously gulped, her eyes drifting to my lips uncontrollably.

„I guess it can wait...“

„Good decision,“ I whispered and leaned forward to claim her lips again. It was becoming addictive quickly, the feel of her mouth on mine, the strong muscles tensing and loosening under my grip on her arm, and of course the feeling of pulling her against my body.

„I‘m very happy with your wardrobe choice, but that jacket needs to go,“ I tugged at the tie when she made a move to shrug it off, „and I want to do it myself.“ Her eyes narrowed at me but I could see the unsheathed desire shining in them.

„You are dangerous.“

„You don‘t know half of it.“

„I can‘t wait to find out.“

The smile that accompanied her statement reminded me that despite that connection I felt with her, despite that she was the same person, she wasn’t that person that I trusted and loved for such a long time now, the person that understood me and stood by me through everything. The person that would crush me if she would ever decide to leave.

And I couldn‘t risk it. Not now. Not when she wasn‘t herself. My hands froze holding the hem of her suit jacket.

Julie was nibbling at my earlobe when she felt me retreat and let go of the tie. Immediately, she leaned back and looked at me with a serious and insecure look in her eyes, her hand still cupping my face.

„J, look... I‘m sorry, but this,“ I gestured towards our close proximity, „I can‘t do it right now, because um...“ I helplessly searched for the right words, Julie‘s thumb stroking over my lips not really helping my case.

„Stop that! It‘s distracting me,“ I hissed and her trademark smirk appeared on her face.

„My apologies. Now why can‘t we...?“

Yes, right, all my arguments. Where are they?

„J, I just don‘t want you to regret this and we really know each other just for two days and...“

„That‘s funny. I feel like I‘ve known you for years,“ Julie drawled in an attempt to light up the situation.

I sighed, my heart reaching out for her. I could just fall right back into her, and not give a shit about tomorrow or the day when she would regain her memory. But the fact is, I wanted this date to be different from all the other‘s I‘ve had until now. So there was only one thing to do. The right thing.

Because only then I will truly have the chance to win her heart and the one of her past self who may or may not be gone forever.

I took both of Julie‘s hands in mine and pulled them away from me.

„We can‘t do this.“

Julie‘s lips opened to protest and it took all my willpower not so shut her up by pressing my lips against hers again, but I restrained myself and held up a raised finger.

„Just hear me out... I don‘t date a lot, one-night stands are more my thing, but I don‘t want this time to be like that: I care a lot for you, I have for a very very long time, and I don‘t want to rush anything that would lead to me losing you. Your friendship is much too important for me. Your memory could come back any day and what if you decide then that you only see me as your friend when you remember everything?“

Julie looked at me for a little moment wordlessly.

„To clear things up: You are friend zoning me because my past-self and you blew it to come out to each other?“

My stomach flipped when I heard her disbelieving tone. She shuffled closer to me and took my hand while it took all my effort to just sit still.

„Ramona, there is no way my past self wouldn‘t be thrilled about this! I might not have all her memories, but I‘m still her! She loved you with all her heart, how could you not see it?“ Her eyes were wild and boring into me, willing me to understand.

„J, maybe you think you know her, but there is no way for her to know what she really felt about me! You might be her on the outside, but do you think or feel the same way? You are not the same person, you are not the person that...“ I searched for words.

„You are not the person you fell in love with? Is that what you wanted to say?“ Her voice sounded a little more upset than before. I closed my eyes, trying to keep a clear head. How did I get into this mess?

„No, J, that‘s not what I‘m saying,“ I said sighing.

„Is it? Do you love her?“ she demanded with a hard tone.

I opened my eyes to look at her troubled face, her brows furrowed, tension lines appearing around her lips.

I knew the answer to her question, but I‘ve spent so much time denying it towards myself, and now I should admit it to the person that at the same time was and wasn‘t the affected person?

I reached out and clasped my hand around J‘s fidgeting one.

„Yes, I love her. I have for a long time.“

J closed her eyes at once and exhaled loudly, her hand tightening her hold on mine.

„It shouldn‘t feel so weird. I mean, we‘re the same person,“ she whispered while looking at me, „but still it feels like you‘re leaving me for someone else.“

„That song you played,“ I suddenly said and J cocked her head to the side questioningly, „I‘ve never heard it but you, well past-you had showed it to me a few years ago.“ I felt wetness accumulate at the corner of my eye. Quickly I reached up and rubbed the corner of my eye furiously.

„This is so unfair,“ I cried out and abruptly stood up, pacing around the room leaving J staring at me in confusion.

„What is it?“ J finally ceded and scrambled to her legs after I haven‘t said anything for a full minute.

I halted my pacing and looked at her with what I hoped a not too teary and desperate look.

„That song, you wrote it yourself and when you showed me the paper, you said to me,“ I smiled sadly and again wiped away my tears, „you said that this song will only be sung for the one person that you would know would be the one. The one you would never let go, the one you would hold on to. The person who will hear this song will be the one who has won your heart.“

Julie‘s expression was sad, but I could still see that she didn‘t understand the deep meaning of what this meant.

„Now can you imagine...“ I said again and this time I didn‘t hold back the sobs, „can you imagine me hoping for the day where you would show any kind of interest except for friendship with me, can you imagine the ache in my heart after I fell in love with you and I knew I would never be the one to hear that song... and now you have sung it to me, unaware of what it means, of what it meant for me to hear this song from your lips. And the worst part is that you are not the person that I wanted to hear it from. You might have sung it for me today, but the thing is... I don‘t have the guarantee that if you were to remember tomorrow, the song would still be for me.“

My face was wet with tears and the air caught in my throat, making my eyes well up with more tears.

„I feel something for you too, J. But every time I see you, I see her too. And I‘m sorry, but I can‘t let go of Julie yet. I need her. I love her.“

J took a step closer, her hand extended, but her posture unsure.

„So you just want her?“ she said, her voice laced with hurt.

I laughed through the tears.

„That‘s the problem, you know. I fell in love with you too in the past few days. All your teasing smiles and looks, the way you look at me like I‘m the only thing that matters, and that side of you I witnessed while at the stables... these things made me love you too. And now I‘m stuck, and it‘s not fair to you to start something with you when I‘m still longing for Julie.“

After a beat of silence, I added: „I‘m sorry.“

J shook her head, her expression troubled.

„Don‘t be...“ she husked, running her hand through her originally neat ponytail, completely messing it up.

„J,“ I started to walk towards her but she held up a hand.

„This is a lot to take in, Ramona. Frankly, I don‘t know what to do with what you just said to me, I didn‘t know what this song meant to you, I just... I know that I, me, myself here right now, I want you. You have been the only light in the darkness that my life had turned into a few days ago. You pulled me out of that dark hole and constantly kept fighting for me, even though I now understand what you have been through having to take care of me while still being hurt because of past-me... I‘m sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I know it is your decision completely, but from my side... I can be a lot of things to you, but I can‘t... I can‘t bring Julie back and I can‘t be her.“

I stifled a cry and looked up at the face of the person that I loved so dearly, and I saw both of them. I saw J and Julie, both persons merged in her body, both persons that I couldn‘t live without.

The room felt too small. There wasn‘t enough air.

„I have to go.“


	5. Head or Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter :) thanks for reading

My shoes made wet noises against the pavement as it had begun to rain while we were in the hut. I quickly ran down the alley, my only goal to go as far as possible from the hut. From J and from Julie. From the two people I love who happened to be one person.  
I hugged myself to keep warm because I didn‘t have my freaking jacket, courtesy of J. Stubbornly, I kept marching through the rain towards the village. I could have gone for the bus stop J and I had used earlier this evening, but I didn‘t trust myself to not break out in tears if there weren‘t any people around.  
The village wasn‘t big, but there were a few uninviting streets that I had to pass through. Shuddering, I walked faster, my footsteps echoing in the empty street.  
Or so I thought.  
A low whistle came out of a narrow street between two poor-lit houses.  
I tried to ignore the chilling sound and the goosebumps that it caused, but then I saw a person step out on to the street.  
„Good evening,“ I greeted with a - what I hoped - friendly and not too shaky voice.  
„Hello, gorgeous, haven‘t seen you here before.“ The man calmly strolled over, a lecherous smile on his lips.  
„Yes, well, uhm, I‘m just passing.“  
„Is that so?“ He had gotten so much closer that I could spot that he was in his thirties, his black hair was sloppily cut and he smelled a little like rum.  
I quickly tried to set an end to this discussion so I pointed towards the corner of the street. I knew it wouldn‘t be easy to make him back off, but I had to try.  
„I really need to catch my bus, but nice meeting you, bye,“ I said looking towards the street corner and starting to walk again.  
A strong grip on my arm stopped me. Crap.  
„Oh come on, where are you going? Don‘t you wanna have a little fun?“ He smiled at me again and lifted his hand in the intention of touching my cheek.  
„Let go of me!“ I said in a threatening tone.  
„Oh, come on, babe...“ he drawled while still holding my arm.  
„That‘s it.“  
I dove under his arm, twirling on myself in the process so that I could twist his arm on his back. I was so grateful now for these self-defence lessons that I attended.  
I kept a firm hold on the man‘s arm, who was now bent forwards and slightly catching his breath, my move had taken him by surprise.  
„I just want to go catch my bus,“ I growled and let go of his arm, brushing off my hands on my trousers as if some of his dirty personality had landed on me. Then I hastily took off but I heard his voice, now colder and angrier.  
„You know what you‘re doing, I‘ll give you that. But now you have pissed me off.“  
My world turned when suddenly I was thrown around and heavily collided with the house wall nearby. I didn‘t have time to assess the damage as the man was pressed against me, his weight holding me down.  
„Now that‘s a good lass.“ His smile was back and one of his hands brushed over my exposed neck.  
I tried to lift my leg to knee him in his family jewels, but he had learned his lesson: both my legs were pinned down by his long one‘s.  
„Let go now!“ I shouted and desperately tried to free one of my hands that he was clutching in one of his.  
„After I had my fun, you‘ll be free to go,“ the man replied and I felt his wet lips on my neck, sucking and biting.  
„Stop! Help!!! I‘m here!“ I screamed in panic as his grip on my hands got tighter.  
He pulled back from my neck with a dangerous glint in his eyes, before he crashed his lips with full force on mine, eagerly stuffing his tongue down my throat. I opened my mouth wider and then bit down. He yelped in pain and stopped kissing me, but I was met with a stinging back-handed slap.  
„You bitch!“  
I closed my eyes in pain from the blow and somehow missed what happened in the next moment.  
One second, he was still pressing me against the wall.  
In the next one, he was rolling around on the pavement with a dark figure on top of him.  
„How dare you touch her, bastard!“  
The tiniest of smiles spread across my lips. I knew that voice.  
I heard a wet crunching noise and then the yell of pain. Luckily, it wasn’t J’s. I strained my eyes to see what was happening.  
„What is it with you girls nowadays?“ he howled and held his broken nose.  
J got up on her feet and spit out in anger.  
„We learn how to pack a punch.“  
Then she kicked his shin for good measure.  
„Now, you dare as much as breathe in the direction of my girl, I‘m gonna end you.“  
Her voice was ice-cold and sharp.  
How the man still managed to mock her was beyond me.  
„Wait, your girl? You‘re a dyke?“ he said, then turning his gaze to me once more added, „don‘t you want the real thing? I can make you feel things she...“  
He didn‘t get to complete his sentence as J jumped up on him once more, punching him again. But the man was resilient. Pushing J off his chest, he got up on his feet and tackled the smaller and leaner woman. Their bodies made a damp sound as they landed on the pavement, and I heard a strange scrunching sound. The man‘s fist rose once again and rained down on J‘s face but was reciprocated with a fist swung sideways who met his temple full blow, causing him to fall over, knocked-out.  
I ran towards J lying on the street.  
„J! J! Are you hurt? Can you open your eyes?“  
J grumbled something not understandable and winced. I pulled out my phone and dialled the EMT's. After quickly telling them our location and them giving me a few tips to do, I hung up and turned back to J.  
I carefully put my hands under her neck and lifted it a little, my thumb making soothing circles.  
„Okay, can you open your eyes for me?“  
J grunted again.  
„Come on. Just a tiny bit, for me.“  
Her eyelids eventually fluttered a little, revealing unfocused grey and dilated pupils.  
„I think you have a concussion,“ I stated in a low voice and pressed a soft kiss to J‘s forehead. When I pulled back, I saw a smile spread across her face.  
„So, let‘s keep you awake, okay?“ I said, my voice even and calm. I recalled everything I learned in my first-aid courses.  
„I‘m gonna ask you a few questions, and you can nod or shake your head if you don‘t feel up to talk yet, okay?“  
A small nod was my answer.  
„Great. Do you know your name?“  
Another nod.  
„Care to tell me?“ I said with a smirk.  
I watched her lips, who had just been kissing me not even an hour ago, form the letter ‚J‘. I rolled my eyes.  
„What‘s your full name?“ I said with a small smile on my lips.  
„Julie Clarisse Lucífer.“  
„Good. Who am I?“  
After a moment of silence where I could tell J was contemplating her answer, she said: „My everything.“  
The answer itself was cheesy, but I melted when I saw the earnest look in her eyes.  
I leaned down for a second kiss.  
„Exactly. And you are mine, so stay still and I‘ll take care of you.“  
She looked okay regarding what she just went through. There was only a little injury above her left brow and her lip was split, but otherwise she seemed fine on the outside.  
I looked up to see J‘s eyes on me, looking at me with a quizzical expression, her eyes squinted.  
„What is it?“ I asked her, pushing away a stray strand of her hair.  
„I‘m sorry.“  
„I don‘t know what you‘re apologizing for, but you‘re forgiven.“  
I heard the sirens nearby and I stood up to show them our location, waving wildly with my arms. Then I dropped back down to my knees next to J.  
„Ramona,“ she said, her eyes still trained on me.  
„Help‘s here, J. It‘s gonna be okay.“  
„Ramona.“  
I kept stroking her cheek, not noticing her writhing under my touch.  
A guy jumped out of the ambulance.  
„Hi, I‘m Liam. Can you tell me what happened?“ he asked while quickly examining J’s head.  
„I punched that guy over there ‘cause he couldn‘t keep it in his pants,“ Julie quickly tried to explain the situation, her voice wavering a little.  
I sighed and continued: „And he hit her back and tackled her, so she hit her head on the pavement. I think she might have a concussion. She was in a car accident a few days ago and she endured memory loss, so I think a check-up at the hospital is in need.“  
„I don‘t need to go to the hospital!“ J stuck out her lower lip, throwing me a pouting look.  
„And yes, she‘s always like that,“ I explained to the amused medic.  
„Well, we‘re going to take you with us for a quick check-up anyway, okay?“ He told J who kept her eyes locked on me.  
„I think you‘ll find I‘m more okay than ever.“  
Liam raised an eyebrow.  
„If you think so. Miss, do you want to ride with her in the back?“  
I nodded and watched silently when they persuaded J to lay down on the gurney, while the latter insisted she was fine and could stand up. She lost the battle and they loaded her into the ambulance, giving her a pain-killer while I climbed inside after them. I sat down next to J who was smirking somehow smugly.  
„What?“  
„I can‘t stop thinking about kissing you.“  
I rolled my eyes.  
„You always act this way when you‘re injured and on pain meds. It gets old. Do you want to ask me again if it hurt when I fell from heaven?“  
J seemed to think about it for a minute, then a teasing smirk appeared on her face. I had to restrain myself not to kiss it off her face.  
„Did it hurt...“ she began and laughed when I groaned, „when you fell from the vending machine?“  
I tilted my head to one side in confusion.  
Her grin was now shit-eating.  
„Because you‘re a snack.“  
I burst out in laughter, catching hold of one of her hands and squeezing it.  
„You‘re such an idiot.“  
„But I‘m your idiot.“ Her smile deepened and her dimples showed. I gulped and looked down nervously.  
„You really are, look at you. You‘re hurt again. Why do you always have to be so chivalrous?“  
She opened her mouth to say something, but I quickly stopped her with a finger on her mouth.  
„Anyway... thank you for what you did for me. I was really scared for a moment and I wished you were there. And you came. Thank you for coming back for me, thank you for saving me.“  
Julie‘s smile was dashing, a hint of a blush was visible on her cheeks.  
„Anytime for you. I‘ll always be there.“  
Her eyes danced across my face, somehow shy.  
„Can I get another thank you?“  
She tapped her lips with her finger once.  
I smiled at the gesture and leaned down, capturing her lips in a soft, sweet kiss. When we parted again, her lids were dropping because of the pain meds, but her smile was wide. Her head sank down onto the gurney, her hand still firmly clasped in mine.  
„Ramona...“ she slurred, on the verge of losing conscience.  
„What is it?“ I asked, stroking her face with my free hand.  
„I knew what I was doing when I brought you that pizza.“  
And she fell unconscious while I gaped at her with my mouth open. 

„Young lady, could you please sit down?“  
I stopped my pacing and looked towards the angry old woman seated in the waiting area who was shooting daggers at me.  
Everything in me screamed at me to just sit down and apologize, and a few years earlier, I would have done just that, but Julie has rubbed off on me.  
„I‘m sorry, have you just witnessed your friend getting beaten up because of you - and then found out that in the process, she had regained all of her lost memories and now probably wants nothing to do with me, because I was about to start a relationship with her new self while old self and me were just friends?“  
The old lady looked stunned by my rant and didn‘t say anything.  
„Thought so,“ I mumbled and resumed my pacing.  
My hands shot up to cover my face.  
God, she remembers everything. And now she sees how I practically threw myself at her while she was vulnerable and then we slept together (not literally!) and we kissed and I confessed my love for her! What am I going to do?  
„Miss Limewood?“  
I stopped my internal monologue and there was Doctor Hofstadter, a friendly smile on his face.  
„Doctor Hofstadter, hi.“  
I walked towards him and shook his offered hand.  
„We really hoped I wouldn‘t see you again so soon.“  
I plastered a fake smile on my face.  
„Yeah, me neither.“  
„Follow me please.“  
He led me towards J‘s room, explaining me on the way that there was no sign of a concussion, and that apart from some bruises, Julie was absolutely fine.  
„And her memories?“  
„From what she told us, she remembers everything again. But I think you‘ll be the better judge of that. You can see her now,“ he finished pointing to the door next to us.  
I thanked him and slipped through the door into Julie‘s hospital room.  
„J?“ I asked into the room when I discovered the bed was empty.  
I heard a distant crash and some suppressed cursing. I saw the door to my left that obviously lead to the adjacent bathroom. The door opened and out stepped Julie.  
I scanned her figure for injuries, sighing in relieve when I saw that the few scrapes on her face, bruised knuckles and the beginning of a black eye were everything that she had gotten out of the confrontation. Deflated, I sat down at the corner of her hospital bed. We stared at each other for a few minutes.  
„So, you remember,“ I gathered the courage to say.  
Julie pursed her lips and nodded, rocking back on the heels of her feet. She seemed more familiar somehow - more Julie. Her eyes, while still the same grey as the few last days, were less open, more guarded and untrusting. A look of a person who had been hurt a lot of times in her life. A person who didn‘t dare to trust quickly, who didn‘t let herself really love the one she wanted.  
She was a coward.  
J‘s words rang through my head.  
„I remember, yes. It‘s weird,“ she chuckled unamused, „it‘s like there are two different versions of me inside my head.“ Then she bored her eyes into mine.  
„And somehow, you play a major role in both those versions.“  
„J...Julie, I‘m sorry. I didn‘t know you had memory loss and I‘m really sorry for confusing you, and...“ I fell silent, no words left.  
„No, I‘m sorry. J was kinda... straight-forward and she had no right to just take my life and make it hers.“ Julie threw her arms up and clasped them behind her neck.  
“She had no right!” she repeated again, but her voice broke.  
„Julie, are you really angry at your other self or is it something else?“ I tentatively asked but got no response. I slowly moved closer and placed a hand on her elbow, turning her towards me. She looked at me through sad and hurt eyes, tears barely held back.  
„Oh, Julie...“ I threw my hands around her, feeling her tears soak the shirt on my shoulder. I pressed her tighter against me, brushing up and down her back soothingly while her quiet sobs filled the room.  
„My family. They‘re all dead. They‘re... gone. I was nearly gone. I… I forgot who I was.“ Her voice broke again.  
I tightened my hold even more, shivering at the thought of the possibility that Julie had been gone forever too. I was so grateful to hold her in my arms, even if it was just for a second before she realized what had happened in those few days. But right now, I just wanted to hold her, comfort her and never let go.  
„I‘m so sorry, J... Julie,“ I quickly corrected myself.  
„I don‘t care what you call me. Just... don‘t let go, okay?“ Julie‘s muffled voice was heard against my shirt.  
„Never,“ I promised, brushing away a tear from the corner of her eye.  
Julie gave me a teary half smile, and then I knew for sure: I had my best friend back.  
I don‘t know how long we stood there, hugging and searching comfort in each other. At some point Julie stepped back, drying her face with her sleeve, wiping away every trace of her breakdown.  
„So...,“ she said with a husky voice while sitting down on the bed, „what now?“  
„Good question,“ I whispered.  
Julie smiled at me once more sadly, the corners of her mouth turned downwards, her eyes tired and bloodshot. Somehow it seemed this was the only way she was able to smile now.  
„Is it crazy that all I want is to be back in your arms?“ she asked, not looking me in the eye. I walked towards her and sat down, snaking my arm around her waist.  
„It‘s not crazy.“  
Both our eyes were locked on Julie‘s hands, fidgeting in her lap.  
„So did you have a good time tonight?“ Julie suddenly asked.  
I laughed, surprised.  
„Why are you asking me that?“  
„Because it‘s the end of a date. You always ask that after a date.“  
„Well, excluding the shady guy, you getting beaten up and the time spent in the hospital, it was really great.“  
Julie smiled more genuinely, the smile reaching her eyes.  
„Good.“  
We sat again in silence for a while, when I broke the silence.  
„You said you knew what you were doing when you brought me that pizza...“  
Julie laughed.  
„Oh yeah, that... I absolutely knew what you were off to do. And I don‘t know... it just didn‘t sit right with me, so there I was. Sorry.“ She offered me an apologetic grin.  
„Don‘t be sorry. I don‘t regret choosing pizza. And you.“ I traced her jawline with my fingers. The grin vanished and an untrusting, doubtful look replaced it while she seemed to be fighting an internal battle. Finally, she decided to ask the question.  
„When you said that you loved me... did you mean it?“  
I slipped a finger under her chin, tilting her head up.  
Waiting until her gaze met mine, I said: „Every word.“  
Julie exhaled noisily, her fingers still fidgeting, her eyes searching mine for any sign of dishonesty.  
„Why?“ she finally asked, sounding defeated, „why me? J could have given you so much more. She was open, stayed with you while you slept, trusted you indefinitely, loved you!“  
I smiled knowingly.  
„Yes, J did all those things. But did she know me for years, was she the one noticing the tiniest things about me, remembering all of them? Was she the one who stood by me through everything, was she the one who believed in me? Was she there the time when we drank the 2-liter pitcher?“ Julie‘s lips tilted up in a hint of a smile at my last remark. I smiled back, looking into the face of the person I loved, with all her rough edges and imperfections.  
„Do you get it now? I love you. I love every version of you, but before all of them, I love the real Julie.“  
My heart fluttered in my chest. I had really put myself out there now. She knew what I felt. I knew what J felt. But no one knew what Julie felt.  
„Oh - but what I didn‘t knew... is that I could never get away from you, you hold me so tight like a kid his balloon...“  
My eyes bulged out of my head when I recognised the words. I looked toward Julie, who returned my gaze without flinching, her eyes sincere and full of promises.  
„I promise you, I won‘t fly away no matter how much wind there is. I promise you, we are tied together. No matter how much wind there is... I‘ll stay,“ Julie softly sang while not interrupting our eye contact. She stopped singing and taking my hand in hers, placed a small kiss on my knuckles.  
„You said there‘s no way of knowing if this me really loved… loves you. This is it. This is my way of telling you I‘m yours forever.“  
Tears sprung into my eyes at her confession, and I nearly knocked us down from the bed when I dove and pressed my lips furiously to Julie‘s. She returned my passion with just as much fire, her mouth opening hotly, her tongue stroking mine.  
Kissing Julie felt so different from kissing J. The latter gave her kisses willingly, as she gave her trust. To get to kiss Julie felt like she unlocked the safe that was her heart and gave you the key.  
Or maybe it was just how a kiss between two lovers, once separated by fear of rejection, felt like. Maybe it was the love coursing through my veins, singing in happiness at finally being reunited with her other half.  
Julie brushed her lips slightly over mine in wondrous amazement.  
„I love you,“ she breathed, her lips inches from mine.  
„You are the love of my life. I‘ve been looking for you, waiting for you, losing you and now getting you back again, I‘m not letting you go any time soon,“ I whispered between kisses, burying my hands in her hair.  
Julie retreated a little, tracing my lips with her thumb, smiling at me with that familiar, warm, loving smile. It has always been loving, I realized, I just haven‘t seen it.  
„Ramona,“ Julie said and the sound of my name from her lips was all I needed.


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That's a wrap. Thanks for reading!

A few months later

“Julie!” I said through giggles, muffled by the pillow.  
“Hm?” The bed-head of my girlfriend appeared from under the covers. Her shit-eating grin made my head feel all light and floaty. I reached out for her, drawing her towards me to kiss her. Immediately, a calm and soothing warmth spread through me, erasing all my doubts and worries for the oncoming day.   
“Good morning, beautiful. Ready for your big day?” Julie husked while her lips were lightly above mine.  
“I think so,” I replied, caressing Julie’s face while she looked at me with those grey eyes, who had been shining brighter ever since the day she had regained her lost memories. We have had a few struggles after we had admitted our feelings at the hospital, but in no time, we had stopped trying to find excuses and just let it consume us. Since then, it had been a thousand touches, a thousand ‘I love you’s, a thousand kisses, each and every one a cherished moment forever burned into my mind.   
Julie’s finger tracing my lips brought me back to the present.  
“What are you thinking about?” she whispered, not halting in her moments.  
“What I’m always thinking about. You.”  
“Who’s ‘You’? Should I be worried?”  
Chuckling slightly, I pushed away Julie’s grinning face.  
“Idiot.”   
Her cheeky smile made me lean in once more to steal a kiss.  
“Okay, I really have to get up.” I threw my legs out of my – our – bed and stood up, looking back to see Julie pouting and patting the now vacated space.  
“Do you really have to go?”  
“May I remind you, you were the one actively encouraging me to pursue a career as a medic? Do I recall correctly that you said, ‘I’m absolutely persuaded that you can achieve everything, Ramona’?” I grinned at her while she rolled onto her back and groaned.  
“Stop using my temporary other self’s words against me!”   
I chuckled and bent down to place a kiss on top of her head.  
“Quit the whining. It doesn’t suit you.”  
“Whining! Who’s whining?” Julie grumbled while she got up herself. I let my eyes roam over the delectable sight that offered itself to me: Julie’s hot ass, only clad in boxers, and her muscled arms perfectly on display in the shirt in which she had slept.   
I caught Julie’s gaze in the mirror of our bedroom, a knowing smirk on her lips.  
“Like what you see?” She teased.  
“I don’t know… you’re getting a bit chubby,” I poked Julie’s still impressive abs and squealed when her arms raked around me, lifting me up. I crossed my legs at her back, my arms around her neck.   
“I think I’m good.” With a lazy smile on her features, she leaned down and claimed my lips. I sighed and kissed her back eagerly. Who cares about the first day at my new job, I could just stay home with Julie all day…  
As if reading my mind, Julie drew back with one last tiny peck on my lips.  
“I’ll make breakfast.”  
The smell of my favourite tea lured me into the kitchen after I got dressed in some comfortable clothing, as I would probably be running around the hospital all day. Our usual morning routine helped to put me at ease.   
I walked into the kitchen to see Julie flipping pancakes. It was one of the few things she could manage to do in the kitchen, and she was very proud of the fact.   
“Don’t you have to go to the lab? You’re late,” I said with a look towards the clock. After regaining her memories, Julie had picked up her at her biology studies where she left off and was now currently working on her bachelor project. She put a lot of dedication in her work, spending whole days in the labs of the university.  
Julie smiled over her shoulder.  
“Nah. I called the lab saying that I’m coming by later. I wanted to be there for you this morning.”  
My whole body seemed to melt at her sincere words and I walked over to give her a hug from behind.  
“I love you.”  
Julie’s smile got even wider and she turned around, pancake forgotten for a while. She kissed me again.  
“I love you too. Now sit down, breakfast will be served in a few.”  
We ate while talking and joking about my new job, Julie complained about how she would see me a lot less often, I told her off about the amount of syrup she poured over her pancakes, she tried to escape my telling off by planting sticky kisses all over my face… It was something I could get used to.   
After leaving the apartment that was now officially just ours (Tamira insisted on using it on the week-ends though), we took the bus to my workplace. After the accident, Julie had never wanted to pass her driving license and I couldn’t resent her, so we were sticking to public vehicles. Julie walked me right to the entrance of the hospital, squeezing my hand gently.  
“This is it.”  
“Yeah,” I mumbled, suddenly nervous again.  
“You know that you can do this, right?” Julie’s hand cupped my face.  
I raised an eyebrow, knowing Julie all too well, what meant that there were more motivational words waiting for me.   
She smiled and finished: “Because you can be everything you ever want to be.”  
I smiled too, pulling her towards me by the lapels of her jacket.  
“Thanks for believing in me.”  
I heard her mumble ‘always’ right before our lips met in a worshipping, loving kiss.   
Julie let go of my hand and walked backwards towards the bus stop.  
“I will see you at home.”  
That’s what she said.   
What she meant was I will be there when you come home this evening. I will stay.

 

The End.


End file.
